Multiverse Mix-Up: Animals in Tights
by NITRO PSYCHO
Summary: Colin returns home from the crusades to find prince Taotie in charge and taxing the citizens to poverty. With the help of his friends, Colin hopes to restore China & in the process find the key to Lorelei's heart... and her chastity belt. rated T for violence and dirty situations
1. Prologue and a Rap

**Disclaimer: this is not the sequel I was advertising and dumped. This is only a spin-off**

**NITROPSYCHO presents...**

**A NITROPSYCHO Production...**

We see a bunch of skeleton archers with fire bows firing away as we see the title.

**MULTIVERSE MIX-UP: ANIMALS IN TIGHTS**

More arrows fire away as we see the cast of the film.

**Colin Neilson (Shen form)**

**Nathan Fraser (Tai-Lung form)**

**Po**

**Wolf Boss (Dende)**

**Lorelei**

**Mr. Ping**

**Shifu**

**Soothsayer**

**Junjie**

**Taotie**

The fire arrows just keep on coming.

**Based on "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" by Mel Brooks.**

One fire arrow hits the roof of a house setting it ablaze. A sheep woman comes out screaming, "HELP! My house is on fire! My house is on fire!" Soon the entire village was set ablaze by the continuous stream of arrows.

"Call the fire brigade!" Another sheep woman shouts.

The fire brigade shows up in a truck. They jump out and begin filling buckets up with water and began carrying them over to the fire site.

"Fill her up, quickly! Hurry, before the whole village goes!" A fire pig shouts.

"Pass the buckets, quickly!" is heard as the whole brigade tries to quell the fire. However, the fire arrows just keep on coming, making it impossible to put it out. Soon, the villagers were beginning to very upset about this.

"There must be another way of doing the credits!" A villager says.

"That's right!" the fire chief says. "Every time someone makes a Robin Hood parody, they burn our village down!"

**Produced & Directed by NITRO PSYCHO.**

The villagers then shout, "LEAVE US ALONE, NITRO PSYCHO!"

* * *

><p>In a nearby forest, four animals were beginning to rap as if they were part of a music video. In front was an overweight panda with brown pants and dark sunglasses. This was Po. Behind him were a monkey, a crane, and a praying mantis, who were obviously his back-up dancers. Po started this off.<p>

**Yo! Yo! Yo!**

**Check it out!**

**Prince Taotie and the Sheriff**

**They was running the show**

**Raising the taxes**

**'Cause they needed the dough**

**A reign of terror**

**Took over the land**

**They was shaking down the people**

**Just to beat the band**

**I said Hey!**

**Hey!**

**I said Hey!**

**Hey!**

**I said Hey**

The dancers then begin to sing as if they were in a choir as Po leads them with his Po.

**Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho**

Po and the others begin to dance like they are in a ballet or something. They then continue to dance as Po goes on with the rap.

**The people were unhappy**

**Morale was low**

**They had no place to turn to**

**There was nowhere to go**

**They needed a hero**

**But no one could be found**

**'Cause Colin Hood was out of town**

**I said Hey!**

**Hey!**

**I said Hey!**

**Hey!**

**I said Hey!**

**Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho**

They did a jig for a few seconds until, with a clap they go back to rapping.

**He was put into the slammer**

**By his Russian foe**

**And in a little while**

**He would be no more**

**I said Hey!**

**Hey!**

**I said Hey!**

**Hey!**

**I said Hey!**

**Hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny**

**Hey nonny nonny and a ho ho ho**

Po did a move like a break dancer, spins around and laughs madly before he poses with the other dancers.

**Check it out!**

* * *

><p><strong>I really like "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" and felt like I was leaving everyone empty handed if I bailed out on everyone after "Multiverse Mix-Up" was finished. So I decided to make the spin-off. All the characters that aren't mine belong to Dreamworks and not me and Nathan belongs to Serenity in Virginia<strong>

**R&R plz**

**NITROPSYCHO OUT!**


	2. Escaping Le Dungeon

**What up peoplezez**

**New chapter, Same craziness**

**Enjoy**

Somewhere near Moscow, there is a prison where the czar locks up any creature that plots against him. It has long been used as a mean to house enemies and has recently seen a second renaissance during this little skirmish against China as it was now used to hold prisoners of war. Such as the newest inmate that was being brought in by a bear: an albino peacock wearing a khaki brown robe. The only natural color he had were red, sun shaped circles on his plumage.

As the bear leads the peacock down the hall, we see a grate where a bunch of prisoners were sticking their hands out and moaning. Not wanting to deal with this at the moment, the bear takes out a whip and strikes all the hands as he continues to escort the peacock away. When they pass the grate, the hands come back up, flipping the bird as they go, "Nah." The bear doesn't even notice as he leads the peacock over to a concierge desk, where a weasel was writing in a book. When the peacock was halted in front of him, the weasel started smiling.

"Oh, hello, hello!" the weasel said. "Welcome! Welcome to le dungeon!'"

The weasel scampers in front of the peacock and holds out his paw, to which the peacock hesitantly accepted.

"Hello, I am Vladimir, maitre d'dungeon," the weasel said. "Please, allow me to show you to your cell".

The weasel and the bear lead him to the nearest cell, where prisoners were either being tortured or just hanging around moaning. While the weasel and bear ducked down to avoid the doorframe, the peacock, who for obvious reasons had no idea why they were doing this, smacked his head right on the top edge.

"Duck!" Vladimir said well too late. "Ugh, I always forget about that. I am so sorry, but we cannot seat you without the proper attire. See?" He waves around at all the prisoners, chained up and wearing prison clothing. Vladimir snaps his fingers in the direction of a nearby guard. "Nevski!" A really large grizzly bear lumbered over and puts a fake beard on the peacock.

"Ah, that's much better," he said. "Now I will leave you in the capable hands of the Kravchenko. He's our head guard."

A brown warthog comes over and glares and growls at the peacock. His immediate reaction was to back away from him as slow as he possibly could.

"Please, it's better if you cooperate with him," Vladimir said nervously. "He's a tough guy. And if there is anything that you require, please don't hesitate to scream". Then we hear a scream somewhere else in the prison. "Coming! We're so busy!"

Vladimir then takes his leave, bumping his head on the doorframe on the way, leaving the peacock alone with the surly guard. "Follow me!" boomed Kravchenko as he takes the peacock to a spot in the cell where the guards keep all their torture devices. "Please sit." says Kravchenko as the guards strap him down to the only chair that wasn't occupied by another prisoner.

"Now, Colin Neilson, where is your emperor?" Kravchenko asked, getting directly into the peacock's face.

Colin was starting to like this guy less and less. He hadn't been there for an hour and already he was annoyed by the lack of hospitality he was receiving. Nevertheless, he just rolls his eyes as he begins to think.

"Emperor?" Colin asks in mock confusion. "Emperor? And… uh… which emperor might that be, dude? Emperor Chao? Emperor Palpatine? Empoleon? Empanada?" Clearly, Kravchenko got angered by Colin's response. "Impertinent feathered dog, you shall talk!" he snaps. "I don't think so." snapped Colin with a smirk.

Kravchenko now seemed to be shaking with rage. Clearly this guy wanted to tear Colin apart right then and there. However, he composed himself and motions toward another guard

"Slovoch… please… the tongue looseners." he says, smiling in a way that wasn't all too reassuring.

Three prisoners gasp as they covered their mouth, eyes, and ears, like 'See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil' as Slovoch hands over the tongue looseners to Kravchenko. He puts the looseners on Colin's tongue as he says, "Speak, you beast, Speak!"

When Colin refuses to say anything, Kravchenko started pulling out Colin's tongue as far as he could, making the peacock groan in pain. After a few second of pain, he releases his tongue and it snaps back in his mouth, earning gasps from the other prisoners. Then Kravchenko started to blabber something to Slovoch in rapid Russian.

"What did he say?" Colin asked, his tongue numb for what had just transpired.

"You don't want to know," Slovoch said.

Slovoch then takes Colin to the area of the dungeon where he will he held. Another prisoner is already there with a smirk on his face. He is a small red panda wearing a red robe.

"You're very brave for a not-at-home boy." The red panda says to Colin as Slovoch is chaining down his legs.

"Oh, thank you." After Slovoch finished, he leaves Colin alone with the red panda.

"I've been in this place for a while," he said. "Perhaps I can be of some service to you. Do you have any questions?"

"What are you in for?" Colin asked, hoping it didn't come out as nonchalant.

"Jaywalking," the red panda replied.

"Oh, I see," Colin says. Colin then tugs at one of his chains, and takes off his fake beard in disgust and tries to think up a plan. "It does not look like it's gonna be easy getting out of this thing," he said. "What we need is a great feat of strength."

"Feat of strength… _Au contraire!_" the red panda said. "Now that you are here with me, what we have is great strength of feet!"

...

…

"Don't follow." Colin said, clearly confused about what he was saying.

"Do as I do," the red panda explained. "Put your feet on the bar, both feet." Colin did as he was told as the panda put his feet on the bar also. "Now, on the count of 'kick'… KICK!" They kicked at the bar until it came loose. They laughed and cheered that it worked until they heard Slovoch coming toward them. The red panda quickly pulled the bar back in as Colin haphazardly put the fake beard back on.

"What was that noise?" he asked.

"Uh, noise? Noise?" Colin said as he was thinking of a cover.

"Uh…the noise you heard was the breaking of this poor peacock's heart," the red panda said.

"Yes, yes, that's it." Colin says as he pretends to be heartbroken.

Inside his mind, Colin knew this was a stupid idea. He had seen this sort of trick happen countless times in the past and every time it ended in utter failure. Apparently Slovoch though so too so the red panda had to go back on the attack.

"He's decided to save his own life by betraying his emperor... tsk, tsk, tsk." he said in disapproval.

"Oh, yeah, that's it. Oh, blast my eyes!" Colin said continuing to 'groan' as he caught on to what his new friend was trying to do.

In the corner of his eye, Colin saw that they had gotten the warthog's full and undivided attention. He knew they would be able to get him to do what they wanted as long as they kept pressing the situation.

"So go, go tell your superiors before he changes his mind," the red panda insisted.

"Oh, for the love of the czar! This is a wonderful thing!" Slovoch happily said.

"Go!" the red panda insisted. He goes off to tell his bosses.

"It will mean a big promotion for me!" Slovoch says.

"GO!" the red panda said a little annoyed.

"Good news is always rewarded!" Slovoch says as he head toward the door of the cell.

"Please go." the red panda said almost desperately. The Slovoch leaves, then Colin and the red panda proceed to free themselves but they had to stop when Slovoch comes back and says, "On the other hand… bad news is severely punished! Ahh!" Then he finally leaves.

"Now is our chance." The red panda says as he and Colin takes their chains off. Then they proceed to help the other prisoners. "Quick, follow me! You get that chain and I'll get this one!" the red panda instructs Colin. "On it." Colin says in approval.

Then the two of them proceed to pull off all the chains holding the prisoners. The prisoners were cheering that they were free and going home. Then the prisoners used their chains to climb a wall where a window was at. Colin flies up as the red pana starts to climb.

"Come on, take my wing." Colin says to the red panda. He is helped up and the rest of the prisoners cheer for them for helping them. "Okay, on the count of three!" the red panda says to everyone. "1, 2, 3!" shouted the prisoners as they pushed the barred window open and once everyone was out. One of the prisoners shuts the window quickly. Meanwhile, Slovoch comes into the cell. "I just told them the good news! And I..." He suddenly realizes that all the prisoners have escaped. "And I'm in deep crud".

**Well, it looks like Colin can get reliable help no matter where he goes**

**R&R plz**

**NITRO PSYCHO OUT!**


	3. Returning Home

**What up, peoplezez**

**Well, the first legitimate fight is coming up so I hope you like it**

After Colin and the red panda escaped and freed everyone else, they got as far away from the prison as possible. They were now standing on an airstrip several miles south of Kiev that had been taken over by friendly forces. They are going their separate ways as Colin is going home to the Valley of Peace while the red panda was staying behind to finish his tenure.

"It is a very long journey from the here to the Valley, my friend," The red panda said. Colin holds up his wing and shakes the red panda's paw. "Well, I owe you one for bailing me out there, dude. I am called Colin Neilson".

"My name is Shifu, Master of Po." The red panda said with a nod.

"Gross." Colin said, thinking the panda was talking about diarrhea.

"No, no, no, no, no, Po is my student," Shifu reiterated. "He's back home at the Valley of Peace. He just got out of some exchange program at Gongmen City".

As he continued, Shifu handed him a scroll that had a picture of Po to Colin. What was weird was that, instead of a bunny or a goat, it was a giant panda, which struck him as odd because giant pandas usually kept to themselves.

"I'd like you to look after him," Shifu went on. "He's in need of guidance. He is headstrong and cocksure." Shifu then looked confused. "Or is it the other way around?"

After studying it for a few more seconds, Colin put the picture under his robe.

"Say no more, dude," he said. "I vow on the sacred word of the peacocks. I give you my undying pledge, my solemn oath, on style's honor, on the blood of my heart, on the world of my soul."

"Good." Shifu said but Colin continued. "On the very center of my being, that nothing shall-"

"You must go now, or you will miss the jetstream." Shifu interrupted, pointing to the end of the runway.

"Yes, yes… well, farewell, my friend." Colin said as he shook Shifu's paw again. "And don't worry, dude… I'll find Po".

Colin starts running to the far end of the tarmac as Shifu waves goodbye. "Good-bye, my friend. Farewell. Safe journey!" He said still waving.

Colin then reaches the end of the water and takes off flying. It took Colin a few days to return back home, but he made it. And boy was he a mess as he's on the edge of a forest that's familiar to him. He looks up and sees a Hollywood-like sign that says 'Valley of Peace.'

"Home! Home! The Valley of Peace! Ahh!" Colin says in relief. He then starts kissing the dirt. After he's done, he coughs, chokes, and spits out the dirt. He's exhausted from all the flying he's done. He gets up and says "Oh, a horse… a horse… my kingdom for a horse".

Unfortunately there were no nearby horses that he could see, so Colin just decided to walk so he that could rest his wings. He walks through the village, greeting villagers that were happy to see him again and picking up a few essentials along the way, including a green robe, red sash, and a green hat he had left at the dry cleaner before he went off to Russia and his spare halberd and blades that had been left with a friend. He was not far from the stairs that led to his home, however, when he distinctly hears the sound of punches and groans.

Backtracking his way through the village, Colin sees that a giant panda with some sort of patchwork brown pants is getting beaten up by six gorilla bandit. Colin pulls out the picture Shifu fin gave him, taking a good look at it before turning back to the fight.

"Po?" Colin asked calling out to them. The bandits stopped and turned around and they all remarked, "Ew!" They then continued to beat up the panda.

"Man, I hope someone's making a fan fiction of this thing," the panda said. "Dang it".

As Colin puts the picture back under his robe, the panda rolls through the attack begins fighting back. Colin starts walking over, figuring this has to be Po.

"That must be him." he shrugged.

Colin then goes over and punches one of the gorillas square in the face, and then he uses his wing to grab another one in a side headlock.

"Watch my back!" Colin tells Po. The panda looks at the peacock's back as a gorilla punches it two times.

"Your back just got punched twice." he tells Colin.

"Thank you." Colin said, low balling the gorilla that hit him as he punched the other in the face, knocking them backwards. He then knocks two of their heads together to finish off the rest of them. As soon as they fell, Po managed to talk to Colin.

"Hey, thanks, man," Po tells him.

"You're welcome," Colin replies.

"Who are you, anyway?" Po asked.

But the gorillas wouldn't stay down for long. They got back up and were beginning to surround the two.

"I don't think this is really the time for introductions." Colin said regarding the situation.

Before the gorillas can attack, Po interrupts, "Time out! Excuse me, bad guys. I am running out of air. Gotta get pumped." He then pulls out a pair of metal grabbers and starts using them to pump air into the Nikes he was apparently wearing. The gorillas look confused as he does this. After he's finished, he says, "Okay, honkies. Time in!"

"By the way dude, do you know… Praying Mantis?" Colin asked.

"You're looking at him." Po answers with a smile. Colin and Po then start yelling like they're doing karate before they attack the gorillas. Colin fights them with slaps and close range kicks from his metal lined talons. Po smacks them around with his giant girth until they can't take anymore.

"Let's get out of here!" yelled one of the gorillas.

"Yeah, boy! Go ahead, punk!" Po shouts, sounding a little gangster in the process.

"They're witches!" "They're mad!" "They're possessed!" "They're crazy!" The gorillas shout as they hop on their horses and run away.

"Good work," Colin says to his new friend.

"Thanks, man." said Po. One of the gorillas who got left behind yelled at Colin and Po.

"You haven't seen the last of us!"

Colin bounced his wings and pulled out six blades without so much as turning around. Po looked on in interest. Colin smirked as he threw the blades at the gorilla, leaving the gorilla pinned against a nearby building.

"You've seen the last of us." The gorilla said with a nervous chuckle.

**And that wraps up another chapter**

**For any of you out there who enjoy Kingdom Hearts, I'm in the thought process of creating a story there that'll replace the failed attempt I tried a few months ago. However, I'm not gonna start it until some of my other stories are finished so just bear with me here**

**R&R plz**

**NITRO PSYCHO OUT!**


	4. The Palace and the Sheriff

**What up peoplezez**

**New chapter, Same Craziness**

**Enjoy**

After refurbishing the horse of the gorilla bandit that had been left behind, Colin and Po arrived at the Jade Palace, where Colin had called home for several months. There was a mural with several dragons on the side, and the two friends got closer to it.

"There it is, The Jade Palace, home of some of the greatest Kung-Fu masters for several generations." Colin says, pointing at the palace with esteem.

"Let's go! Move it! Come on. Let's go!" Suddenly the Jade Palace began to move away. A crocodile was instructing other crocs in a ship to pull the palace away. "That's it boys. Let's go. Move it." Colin's jaw dropped. He couldn't believe this. The Jade Palace was being towed away. "That's it! Keep it going! Keep it going! Yes, come on, come on. Move it, move it. Here we go." Colin held on to the palace with his wings trying to stop it.

"Stop the palace! Stop the palace!" he yells.

The croc whistled signaling them to stop. Colin keeled over for a few seconds to catch his breath. When he finally got his composure back, he turned the croc around and got right in his face.

"Hey, I demand to know what you're doing here!" Colin snapped at the croc.

"Read it and weep." The croc says handing Colin a scroll. Colin opens the scroll and looks at it.

"Hey, what's up with that?" Po asked, wondering what was going on also as Colin began reading the scroll.

'Hear ye, hear ye, for failure to pay back taxes, all the lands, palace and properties of the Master's Council shall be taken in lieu of payment. Signed, prince Taotie's royal accountant, H.M.R. Blockhead'

"This is a sham!" Colin snapped. "I vow here and now I will restore the Jade Palace to its rightful place."

"Yeah, yeah," the croc laughed. "You vow, we move! Let's go, boys! Take it out! So long! Move it! Keep it going! Come on! That's a boy!"

The croc laughed as the Jade Palace continued to be towed. Colin looked down as Po patted him on the back to comfort him. There was now nothing but an empty field where the Jade Palace used to be. Colin then sees someone nearby in the empty field. It was a grey wolf with spiked armor and scratched out eyes who was apparently on the toilet reading a braille playboy magazine and completely unaware of what happened.

"Dende?" asked Colin surprised.

"Who is that?" Po wondered who that was.

"It's Dende, my master's loyal blind ally".

Po then notices the horse was running down the stairs away from both of them.

"I gotta go get the horse, man," Po proclaimed.

"Yeah, you do that," Colin said. Once Po left, Colin went over to his friend. "Dende!" he called. "Uh, be right out." Dende said. He immediately starts pulling his pants and the rest of his armor back over his 'downstairs weaponry' as Colin ran over to him. "Dende!" said Colin happily.

"Master Colin, is that you?" Dende said recognized that voice anywhere.

"Yes!" said Colin.

"Back from the Crusades?"

"Yes!"

"And alive?"

"Yes".

"Oh, happy day!" Dende said as he came toward Colin but he ran right a woman bust, falling down. "I thought for sure there was a door there. Master Colin!" Dende screams as he touches the bust. "You lost your wings in battle. How- how terrible! But you've grown some nice boobs".

"Dende, I'm over here." said Colin, a little annoyed at what his friend was doing.

Dende quickly realized he was hugging the bust and not Colin. He immediately jumps back in embarrassment.

"Oh… Uh… later," he muttered.

Dende walks toward Colin but nearly goes past him. Not wanting to waste any more time, Colin grabs Dende and pulls him in front of him.

"Dende, listen to me," he said. "They've taken the palace".

"I thought it felt a bit drafty." Dende said, finally catching on to what had happened. "Oh! This never would have happened if Master Oogway was alive."

Colin gasped upon hearing that. Master Oogway, the guy who got out of danger better than anyone, was gone?

"He's dead?" Colin asked.

"Yes." Dende said.

"And Master Rhino?"

"He died of pneumonia whilst- Oh, you were away!" Dende explained.

"And the wolf pack?"

"They were all killed by the plague."

Colin groaned that all of his good friends were gone.

"Girl next door, Viper?" Colin asked.

"Run over by a carriage," Dende said.

"My best friend, Mantis?" Colin immediately asked.

"Accidentally eaten by Tigress," Dende said.

"Tigress?" Colin moaned, not sure he wanted to hear the answer to that one.

"Choked on Mantis," Dende said.

Colin couldn't believe it. All his friends, even Tigress, who he thoroughly admitted he had no love for, had died while he was out dealing with that whole Russia fiasco.

"Oh it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Colin?" Dende asked.

When Dende decides to hug the peacock, Colin notices some sort of necklace was around Dende's neck. This became more obvious at was making it hard for him to even breathe.

"Oh! Oooh! Wait a minute. Wait a minute!" Colin said, pushing himself off of Dende. "What's that supposed to be?"

"Oh, Master Oogway wanted me to give you this." Dende said as he pulled the necklace off of his neck. "He said that inside is the key to the greatest treasure in all of China".

"Oh, really?" Colin said smiling.

"May I keep it?" asked Dende.

"Uh… no, Dende," Colin said. "I think it might be better if I honor Master Oogway's wishes".

"Of course," Dende understood. He then went ahead and put the necklace around Colin's arm, who promptly put it around his neck.

"Come on, Dende" Colin said. "Let us leave this depressing foundation. We have much to do and… less time to do it in".

"Yes," Dende agreed.

The two immediately left the foundation of where the Jade Palace had been. Meanwhile, Po was coming towards them at the bottom of the staircase apparently having caught up with the horse.

"Hey. Hey, Colin, wait up," he called out

"Oh, well done, Po." Colin said proud of his friend.

"Yeah, he was running fast, but I caught him dude".

"Who's that?" Dende asked wondering who the fat panda was.

"Dende, I'd like you to meet Po." Colin said, introducing his two friends.

"Poop, here?" Dende asked, mishearing what Colin said.

"No, no. Not poop... Po," Colin verified.

"Hey put it there." Po said extending his paw.

"How do you do?" Dende asked, accidentally putting his own paw in Po's 'happy place.'

I've been better." Po groaned in a high voice.

However, Colin's attention was distracted by a noise coming from somewhere in the village heading toward them.

"What is that?" Colin asked.

A young bunny was running towards the three, screaming for help. "Help me! Help me! Ahh, save me! Save me!" He was white and had a black robe with a red sash down the middle.

"Looks like a runaway bunny." Po said as the bunny clutched onto Colin.

"All right, just calm down, kid," Colin said. "What's the matter?"

"They're after me." the bunny said, pointing toward the pathway he just came down.

"Who is?" Colin wondered as he looked.

Six snow leopards and a fox on horseback were headed towards them. The leopards were singing a fanfare while the fox in the center was wearing a blue outfit. No one really knew his name, but everyone did know that he somehow managed to become the sheriff of the Valley of Peace.

"Over that boy hand!" the fox demanded.

Colin and his friends just looked at him. He groaned that he didn't get the sentence right.

"Hand over that boy," the fox corrected himself.

"Who demands it?" Colin asked.

"The Sheriff of the Valley of Peace." the fox introduced himself.

"And what has the boy done?" Colin wondered.

"He was caught poaching in the emperor's forest," the fox said. "He "deered" to kill an emperor's dare… ugh… dared to kill an emperor's deer".

"And… this is an offense?" asked Colin.

"One punishable by death," the fox said. "Where have you been?"

"Fighting with Emperor Chao in the Crusades," Colin answered. "Unfortunately, my father couldn't get me into the national guard".

"Whoa-oh!" Po said as he and Dende laughed at Colin's response. The fox sputtered as he was angered by what Colin said.

"How dare you talk to me in that fashion," the fox snapped. "Who are you?"

"I am Colin Neilson." Colin said with a bow.

"Oh, yes, yes, I've heard all about you," the fox muttered. "They say you're pretty handy with your blades. Let's find out!"

The fox then went to take out his sword, but he only got the handle. Colin then went over to the fox's horse and used one of his blades to cut the saddle, turning the fox upside down. Po laughed and snorted at the sheriff's predicament.

"I was angry at you before, peacock, but now I'm really pissed off!" the fox snapped.

"Pissed off? If I was that close to a horse's wiener, I'd be worried about getting pissed on." Po said as the others laughed.

"You know, this wasn't a very smart thing for you to have done, peacock. I'll pay for this!" the fox yelled. Colin's friends just nodded at him. Then he realized he said it wrong again. "You'll pay for this! Kill them!"

But then Colin pulled out his halberd, extended it to full length, and held the blade right at the fox's throat.

"Wait, I've...changed my mind," the fox said.

"Smart move." Colin said as he turned the sheriff's horse around. "So… until we meet again… have a safe journey."

Colin then smacked the horse with the flat side of his halberd, making it run fast. The fox yelled in pain every time his head hit the ground.

"Look out for the big rocks!" Colin advised. The six leopards followed the fox while singing the fanfare again.

"Shut up, you fools!" The fox yelled.

"Good riddance to some pathetic losers." said Colin when they were gone. The bunny then walked over and looked at Colin.

"Oh, thank you for saving my life, my lord," he said. "I shall tell all that I see that there is at least one creature in China who's not afraid to stand up to the sheriff and his men".

"Good tell them that," Colin said. "And tell them also that I vow to put an end to the injustice, right the wrongs, end the tyranny, restore the kingdom, protect the forest, introduce folk dancing, demand a four-day work week, and affordable health care for all rabbits and sheep".

"Yes, yes. Good, good", the bunny said. "Well, it's getting dark. I gotta go home alone now".

"Ah… right." Colin understood.

"Good-bye." The bunny said as he screamed and ran off towards the forest. Colin and his friend just looked at him in confusion.

"What an unusual child," The peacock said.

**Well, it looks like Colin has found an enemy… and not a very talented enemy at that**

**For those of you who haven't caught on by now, the fox in this story happens to be Junjie from the animated series. However I don't intend to reveal this until way later in the story**

**R&R plz**

**NITRO PSYCHO OUT**


	5. A Dream and a Plan

**What up** **peoplezez**

**New chapter, Same craziness**

**Enjoy**

The Tower of the Sacred Flame was experiencing a second Renaissance as the capital building since the original one had been destroyed during a surprise attack by the Russians. It not only housed the Emperor, who was still out of town because of this, but it housed several other animals as well. As we get closer we can hear one of them singing.

**Where is the one**

**That I love most of all**

**When will I hear him call**

**Lorelei, Lorelei**

We get a close up toward a window, as the singing continues.

**He is the one**

**Who can make my life whole**

**Joyful forevermore**

We now see who is singing. It is a light green peacock with soft blue eyes, a slightly curved beak, small feathers on top of her head and green plumage with flower markings on them. She's Lorelei, and she's in a bathtub, cleaning her plumage.

**I've waited so patiently**

**For a true love**

**When will he come for me?**

**Where is he where is he, oh**

Her singing is interrupted by breaking glass. She looks at the window and sees that a camera with the TMZ logo came through the glass. The camera backs out and she continues to sing and clean her plumage.

**Where is the man**

**Who carries the key?**

**When will he be**

**With his ****Lorelei,** Lorelei

**I cannot wait**

**Till he sets my heart free**

**Oh, when will I know him?**

**When will I see him?**

**When will I hear him**

**Say ****Lorelei, my love**

When she's done singing, a figure comes into the bathroom. She's a rather old goat with a walking cane and what looked like several muumuus piled on top of each other. She's Soothsayer, Lorelei's personal maid since her parents had died.

"Hurry up, my lady!" She said to the peacock. "You'd better get out of that tub before that thing begins to rust."

"All right, Soothsayer." Lorelei says as she comes out of the tub. As she's getting out we see she's wearing what looks like a pair of iron underwear. It's a chastity belt that her parents had put on her before their untimely demise.

"Hurry, hurry, its freezing." Soothsayer says as she begins to dry Lorelei off. She then gives the peacock a robe. "Button up. You're going to catch your death of cold. Oh these castles are so drafty". Soothsayer then goes over and turns a lever, and a fire appears in the furnace. "Ah…toasty warm." She says rubbing her hands. A bluebird arrives at the window, and Lorelei sees this.

"Oh, Soothsayer, look… a happy little bluebird." She says. "Hello".

Lorelei raised one of her wings and the bluebird lands on it.

"Oh…this means I must make a wish," She said. "I hope against hope, I wish against wish that the heavens bring me a kind, wonderful, gentle man who possesses the key to my..." Lorelei then looks at her chastity belt, but she figures its best not to mention it. "Heart. Good-bye, my little friend." She says as the bluebird flies away. Soothsayer then notices something.

"Ooh, that happy little bluebird has left a happy little doo-doo on your feather." She says as she spits into a rag and starts cleaning Lorelei's wings. The peacock sighs as she wonders if she'll find him.

* * *

><p>The sheriff was in a particularly foul mood when he knocked on the palace door. A gorilla opens it, and the sheriff comes inside.<p>

"Prince Taotie, I must speak with you," he says.

Then we see a short warthog with a bald head, black markings over his eyes, and is wearing a black cloak. He is prince Taotie. He has taken over since Emperor Chao went to go fight in the Crusades.

"All right, everybody. Later, later. See you later." Taotie says dismissing everyone.

The sheriff then goes over to Taotie's throne that he's sitting on.

"My lord, I have news." The fox says.

"What sort of news do you have?" Taotie wondered. "Not bad news, is it? You know I can't take bad news. The day started out so good. I had a good night's sleep. I had a good B.M. I don't want to hear any bad news. Now, what type of news is it?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it's bad!" the sheriff said honestly.

"I knew it!" Taotie screamed as he knocked over a cup shattering it. "I knew it was bad news! Wait a minute, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the bad news in a good way, it won't sound so bad".

"The bad- The bad news in a good way?" the sheriff asked. "Yes, I can do that. Bad news in a good way. Um- well here goes".

He then starts to laugh insanely. Taotie just looked on, waiting for his associate to finish what he was going to say

"Wait till you hear this," the sheriff gasped. "I just bumped into Colin Neilson. He's back from the Crusades. You know, he just beat the daylights out of me and my men. He- He hates you, and he loves Emperor Chao. And-" the sheriff started wheezing as he kept laughing. "He wants to see you hanged! You-" The fox kept laughing as he started snorting now. "We're-We're-We're in an awful lot of trouble!" the sheriff said as he continued to laugh.

"What, are you crazy?" Taotie snapped, cutting the sheriff off completely. "Why are you laughing? This is terrible news!"

"Well, I- I- you- you told me-" the sheriff stuttered as he tried to explain. "I was just trying to soften the blow".

"Well, you blew it." Taotie said bluntly.

"This is a knotty problem, sire, not easily solved," the sheriff said.

"Yes, you're right," Taotie muttered." What to do? What to do? What to do? Got it! Minion! The weird creature in the tower; the one who protects my future."

"Oh, yes, Minion." The sheriff shuddered at the thought of her. "Is she ugly?"

Taotie didn't bother hearing what the sheriff said. However, goes up to the tower to talk to his reclusive servant Minion. When he gets there, however, Minion's nowhere in sight.

"Minion?" he calls out. "Minion, where are you? I must talk with you! Minion! Minion!" He then turns around and sees her, jumping back in shock. Minion looks similar to the sheriff except she was a woman and she's pure black.

"Oh, it's you," Taotie said in relief. "There is a new threat to my power. What can you tell me about Colin Neilson?"

"Colin Neilson? Colin Neilson. Let me see here." Minion says as she starts putting things into a bowl. "Raven's egg, blood of a hen! Little bit more blood, yes. Eyeballs of a crocodile. Testicles of a newt… I guess he's a transsexual now!"

Taotie smiled but didn't want to try and say anything. He just looked on as Minion mixes all these ingredients and then puts them into a pan.

"Colin Neilson is handsome and brave," she said. "He seeks to restore his personal honor. The little sod could be trouble".

"Are you certain?" Taotie asked.

"Certain?" Minion snapped. "You want certain, hire yourself a witch. I'm just your cook. Here. Eat this."

She put the mixed ingredients onto a plate next to Taotie. However, it looked like some sort of creature was staring back at him more than anything, but he didn't want to upset Minion.

"Hmm, it's fabulous. It looks like a Seder at Vincent Pryce's house." Taotie said as he began to eat whatever it was, and then he spit it out. "It's such a common name, Minion. How did your family come by it?"

"We changed it in the ninth century," Minion answered.

"You mean... you changed it to Minion?" Taotie asked.

"Yeah… It used to be Ivanna Killya," she confirmed.

"It's a good change," Taotie said. "It's a good change. Now, what about this Colin person, huh? How can I stop him?"

"Maybe I could devise a magic potion," Minion told him. "One that would make it impossible for him to perform the slightest task. But in return, you must help me".

"What, are you kidding? Name it. Anything you want." Taotie said, determined to get rid of Colin.

"Put in a good word for me with the sheriff of the Valley of Peace," Minion said. "I've got the hots for him. I keep a likeness of him in my boudoir."

She then pulled a curtain revealing a cardboard cut-out of the sheriff. Then she started flirting with it. Taotie didn't know what to say because he didn't see this coming. He also didn't know how this would work since he knew the sheriff didn't like her.

"I am amazed," he said. "To think a handsome blade like the sheriff of the Valley of Peace would ever want a creature like you."

Minion just huffed at Taotie's response. "Well, if you're gonna puncture my dreams, you can forget about my promise to help you," she snapped.

"No, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!" Taotie said trying to get her hopes up. "Wait… Maybe if we got him drunk".

Minion turned around and stared at him, the look in her eyes asking what he was talking about.

"Very drunk," Taotie went on.

A smile began to creep over Minion's face, signaling that Taotie got her full and undivided attention.

You got a shot." he shrugged.

She giggled at this as we the statue of the sheriff make this 'Oh, boy.' face. "Oh, good," she squealed.

**Well, I'm not so sure how that drunk plan of theirs will work but Junjie better watch his back**

**R&R plz**

**NITRO PSYCHO OUT!**


	6. The Snow Leopard's Bridge

**What up peoplezez**

**New chapter, Same Craziness**

**Enjoy**

After eventually leaving the village, Colin, Po, and Dende are riding the horse through the nearby forest when they stop and see a bridge over a small creek up ahead. There a beige snow leopard with heavily lidded eyes and purple pants that looks like he's guarding the bridge.

"Dismount." Colin said as he and his friends huddled. "You guys wait here. I'll go make sure it's safe."

Colin set foot on the bridge staring face to face with the snow leopard. This seemed to be an extremely bad idea as the leopard was about several inches taller than him. However, Colin didn't seem the least bit phased by this.

"Uh, hey would you mind uh… awfully getting out of the way?" he asked him.

"Not until you pay the toll dude," The leopard answered.

"Toll?" Colin gawked. "What toll?"

"Well, the toll you pay for crossing my bridge," The leopard hesitantly confirmed.

"I'm not paying any toll," Colin scoffed. "This bridge is on my master's land. Well, it used to be my master's land."

"Hey, you're- you're Colin Neilson!" he happily said as he shook Colin's wing.

"And who are you supposed to be?" Colin asked.

"Oh, they call me Little Nathan," The snow leopard introduced himself. "Uh, but don't let my name fool you. In real life, I'm very big ".

"I'll take your word for it. Now let me pass." Colin said as he walked right toward Nathan, but he stopped him.

"Uh...no," Nathan said. "Sorry, but a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll, and if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls… I made that up".

"That's very interesting, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you," Colin said.

"Oh, yeah," Nathan laughed. "My pleasure. Peng!"

A younger snow leopard with a puke green vest and loose maroon pants came and gave Colin a fighting stick.

"Thank you." Colin said as he got the stick.

Over near the horse, Po immediately knew something was wrong. This thing Colin was trying to do had ended up turning into a two on one fight, and one of them was at least twice his size. He had to bail out his friend before he got squashed,

"Hey, Dende," Po said.

"Did you just say 'Abe Penny'?" Dende asked mishearing what Po said.

"No, I didn't say 'Abe Penny'! I said 'hey, Dende'. Hold the reins, man." Po said as he handed Dende the reins of the horse and went over to where Colin and Nathan were. "Hey, Colin, Colin".

"Excuse me." Colin said to Nathan.

"No, excuse me," Po said. "Hey, look, man, you don't have to do this".

Colin and Nathan just stood there staring at him, obviously not getting what he was talking about. Po groaned at this and began walking toward the creak.

"Look, this ain't exactly the Mississippi," Po said. "I'm on one side, see? I'm on the other side. I'm on the east bank. I'm on the west bank. It is not that critical."

"It's not the point, it's the principle of the thing," Colin said.

"Yeah." Nathan said in agreement.

"Nice knowing you, man." Po said as he went on back over to where Dende was.

Nathan then took his stick and put it around the back of his neck making his muscles crack. He then held his stick as Colin held his in his wings as they began to fight. They were evenly matched until their sticks broke in two. They both threw one half away and continued fighting. They still fought evenly until Nathan took a chance and hit one of Colin's metal lined talons with his stick. Then their sticks broke in two again.

They again threw one half away, and continued to fight, still evenly matched. But then their sticks broke in two again. They each threw half of it out. Now their sticks were pretty small. They stayed in a fighting stance until Colin whacked Nathan's hand with his stick, then did it again, then did it again. Colin then whacked Nathan in the head and tripped him, causing him to lose his balance and fall in the water. Colin laughed until Nathan was screaming for help.

"Help me! I can't swim! I'm drowning! Oh, no, I'm drowning! Help me!"

Colin just had a 'Is this guy stupid?' look on his face because it was a really small and shallow river. He then went over and pulled Nathan out of the water.

"Help me! Help me! Help me! Oh, Gee! Oh, Gee!" Colin then said, "There, there. You're all right now." Nathan then hugged Colin tight making him unable to breathe.

"Thank you, Colin. You saved my life." The peacock then patted the giant's arm a few times.

"What?" He asked.

"Air…" Colin gasped. Then Nathan let him go.

"Sorry. There. I'm in your debt," he said to the peacock.

"Hey, don't worry about it." Colin told him.

"Hey y'all all right?" Po asked as he went over to them.

"Huh… oh, let me introduce you to my friends, dude," Colin said. "That is Dende. And this is Po".

"Gross." Nathan said as he thought Colin was talking about poop.

"That's my name, man… Po," Po explained.

"Here, let me introduce you to my best friend, Peng Scarlet" Nathan said.

"Uh, Scarlet is my middle name. My full name is Peng Scarlet O'Hara. We're from Shanghai." Peng introduced herself.

"He's deadly with her daggers." Nathan told them.

"Oh, really? How's about a demonstration, then?" Colin suggested.

"Gladly," Peng said.

Peng stepped behind a bush for a few seconds and came out with a bow and arrow in hand. He handed them both to Colin and backed up several feet.

"All right, then… Fire an arrow straight at my heart." he said to the peacock.

"Are you serious, bro?" Colin asked.

"Absolutely." he said as he got his trusty daggers out.

Colin turned his attention toward Nathan, looking for him to make some sort of excuse not to go through with it. When the snow leopard nodded for him to proceed, he just shrugged and pulled the arrow back into the bow.

"Okay… Good-bye," Colin said.

Colin then proceeded to shoot out the arrow right at Peng. Before it could even make contact, he used her daggers to turn the arrow into a pile of sawdust like a buzz saw. While Nathan just beamed at his friend, Colin and Po just stood there, completely taken aback by what they saw.

"Hey, what part of Shanghai are you from?" Po asked. "South Central?"

Peng blew on his daggers and put them in back in the sash on his pants, cutting through it and making them fall. He picked up both his daggers and his pants in embarrassment

"Well, I haven't quite figured that part out yet," Peng muttered.

"I see," said Colin.

"Listen, I'm sorry about the toll thing, Colin." Nathan said sadly. "I mean, its prince Taotie. He's taken our homes and everything we own. We've got nothing left."

"Not to worry, Nathan," Colin proudly said. "Even as we speak, I'm forming a plan to make trouble for our friends prince Taotie and the sheriff. Tonight, I'll crash their party and serve warning that there are those who will fight to rid China of their tyranny."

"Good! We'll join you!" Nathan said as the others cheered in agreement.

"No, no, no, no, I can't risk the lives of others," Colin interjected. "One guy by himself can get in more easily than half a dozen swarming the thing. Well, I must be off. Peace out. I'll see you all when I get back."

"All right, man. Peace, bro. Take it easy." Po said, his fist bumping Colin's.

"Thanks." Colin told his friend.

Colin then ran over to wear Dende was and tried to jump on the horse. Unfortunately he miscalculated the jump and landed with its butt right between his legs, making him fall back and massage his 'family jewels' in pain.

"Man, peacocks can't jump." Po said in disappointment.

**Oooohh... after having Colin keep doing that to him, Nathan finally gets some measure of revenge**

**R&R plz**

**NITRO PSYCHO OUT!**


	7. Crashing the Party

**What up peoplezez**

**New Chapter, Same Craziness**

**Warning: this chapter contains forth wall shattering. Readers should be advised to wear hard hats at all times.**

**Enjoy**

That night, several creatures are entering the castle for the party. A Gorilla takes a horse while a bunny takes tickets. "Ah, here you are, son." "Your ticket, sir." The gorilla takes this horse and uses a rack to "park" him.

Inside we see Taotie and the sheriff watching a mime for entertainment. Taotie begins to yawn and the sheriff knows it's getting boring.

"Kill him!" He said.

As guards seized the mime, Taotie stopped them.

"No, wait. You know, a mime...is a terrible thing to waste." He told the sheriff

"Let him go." the sheriff decided.

Now we see Lorelei coming down a set of stairs. Many creatures compliment her on how beautiful she is. "Lovely plumage." "Good evening, Lorelei." "Lorelei." the animals watch her go by in awe as she makes her way to the table where Taotie and the sheriff are at.

"Lorelei, I believe you know the good sheriff of the Valley of Peace." Taotie said to her.

"You look ravishing, my dear." The fox said, obviously smitten with the peacock. He then walked over to her. "Please allow me to help you to your seat." the sheriff took Lorelei's wing as she sat down in the seat that was unfortunately right next to his. The fox kisses her wing as she has a shocked look on her face.

"I must say that prince Taotie has spared no expense for tonight's party," the sheriff said. "We have exotic foods from across the seas: coconuts, bananas, and dates. Would you care for a date?"

The sheriff grabbed a bowl of small, grape like fruit and held it in front of Lorelei. As much as she wanted to resist, she found it hard to resist the one fruit she loved

"Yes, thank you." Lorelei said, attempting to take one.

"How about next Thursday?" the sheriff laughed taking the plate from her cause he was referring to going out.

Then the entrance doors are opened, crushing two gorillas. Colin comes in with what appears to be a dead rabbit with antlers on its head on his back. Every animal in the hall immediately stopped what they were doing and stared in awe at him.

Good evening," he said.

"That's- That's him! That's the peacock!" the sheriff told Taotie.

The creatures continue to look on in awe at the scene. As Colin made his way to the table where Taotie was sitting the gorillas groan as the doors close again. After making his way through the crowd, and thanking all the praise that came with it, Colin finally arrived at the table.

"Greetings dork." Colin said as he placed the strange rabbit on the table.

"Traif," Taotie said under his breath.

"A present for you and your guests," Colin happily said.

"That's a wild boar," the sheriff snapped.

No, no, that's a wild jackalope," Colin said. "That's a wild bore."

Taotie then slammed his hand down, smiling.

"Hah, funny," he laughed. "Very amusing. So you're Colin Neilson, huh?"

Colin confirmed this as he bowed his head. Then he heard Lorelei sighing.

"I've heard so much about you." She said to Colin.

"And who might you be?" Colin asked her.

"Maid Lorelei." The peacock introduced herself.

"Ah, Maid Lorelei. Rumors of your beauty have traveled far and wide, yet I see they hardly do you justice." Colin told her as he kissed her wing.

"Oh!" Lorelei said as she was obviously charmed by what Colin said.

"Quite a smoothie. He's definitely a smoothie." Taotie said.

The sheriff sputtered and pulled Lorelei's wing away from Colin.

"Enough! Emperor illegal forest to jackalope wild kill in it a is!" he yelled.

"What?" Colin and Lorelei asked him simultaneously.

"I mean… don't you know it is illegal to kill a wild jackalope in the emperor's forest?" the sheriff corrected himself.

"Is it not also illegal to sit on the emperor's throne and usurp his power in his absence?" Colin pointed out as he ate a date, causing the guests gasped at what he said.

"Careful, Colin," Taotie warned. "You go too far".

"I've only just begun," Colin said. "I've come to warn you that if you do not stop trying to pass all these pathetic taxes, I shall lead the good creatures of China in a revolt against you".

"And why should the people listen to you?" Taotie asked him.

"Because, unlike some other hood characters, I actually know what I'm getting myself into," Colin smiled.

"Oh!" Lorelei said as she is charmed by Colin again.

Taotie was irritated with Colin now. Right now there was nothing he wanted more than to turn the guy in front of him now into a carved turkey. Instead, he turned his attention to the sheriff, who was obviously just as angry as he was.

"To tell you the truth, this guy is starting to get on my nerves!" he snapped.

"Worry not, Lord Taotie. I shall dispose of this feathered upstart." the sheriff said as he made his way over to Colin. "I challenge you to a duel."

The sheriff took off a glove and he was wearing slapping Colin's face with it. Colin then picked up an iron gauntlet that was on the table and smacked the sheriff upside the head with it.

"I accept," he said.

The sheriff then groaned for a bit as the shot really hurt. It took him a few moments to regain his composure, and when he did, he got right back in Colin's face

"That's going to cost you, peacock," he snapped.

"Oh by all means, put it on my bill, dude." Colin said with sarcasm.

"So it's come down to this, has it?" the sheriff hissed. "A fight to the death. Mano a Mano, fox to peacock, just you and me and my...guards!"

Then the guards that were there proceeded to fight Colin out of the castle. The peacock pulled out his halberd went into battle mode. He used the blade end to swat three of the guards away and kicked a forth right over the table where Taotie was sitting.

"Ooh! Check, please, table one, thank you." Taotie said as he began to lay low during the fight.

Several guards led Colin up the stairs as he held them at bay with his halberd and pseudo-acrobatic fighting skills. However, more guards seemed to be pouring in from everywhere and he had to get off the steps if he wanted more maneuverability.

"Ha!" Colin said as he startled them.

The guards fighting him backed off in shock. Then Colin saw that a chandelier was right over them. He used his halberd to cut a rope thinking the chandelier would land on them. But he miscalculated and the chandelier hit him instead, making him fall to the ground. Lorelei gasped as the guards just laughed at him. Then the doors burst open as Po, Dende, Nathan and Peng came along to help their friend.

"Uh. Ooh. Ah." Taotie said as he knew there was more trouble coming.

Dende let out a battle cry as the four of them ran in separate directions. They immediately intercepted the guards that were swarming Colin and drove them off with their obviously superior fighting skills.

"Let's get out of here!" A woman said as creatures ran out screaming because they didn't want to get hurt during the fight.

Colin and his friends were doing really good against the guards. It seemed blatantly obvious that any one of them, with the obvious exception of Dende, had more raw talent in their left pinkies that all the guards had in their whole bodies. Yet somehow, the guards were no slouches on trying to gang up on them and were trying and failing to overwhelm them with their numbers.

"Oh." Lorelei said quietly as she was concerned for Colin's safety.

After a couple of hard fought minutes, the fight seemed to be coming to an end. Colin threw a guard off the stairs and slid down the stair rail and kicked another guard right in the face.

"Uhh." Taotie said as he was hiding behind the jackalope that Colin brought.

Peng dashed through guards with his daggers while Nathan was fighting several guards using some sort of defensive technique before downing them with hard shots to the gut. Po seemed to be getting the better of some guards with his obvious weight difference and was smacking them around. The citizens that had stayed behind were getting a good look at the battle. It looked like Colin and the others were winning. Colin knocked several guards away as Dende came up to him with a root beer float on a tray.

"Refreshment, Colin?" the wolf asked.

"Ah, thank you, Dende." Colin said.

Colin set his halberd down on the tray and began working on the drink. As he was doing this, he was using one of his metal lined talons to fight a guard behind him.

"Sounds like we're winning, sir," Dende said with confidence.

"Indeed, we are. Carry on." Colin said, finishing his drink as he kicked the guard away.

"Right you are." Dende said as he ran off in no particular direction.

Meanwhile Taotie was still hiding behind the jackalope as the sheriff approached him.

"Save me, save me, hurt them, hurt them!" He said.

"Yes, save them, save them, hurt you, hurt you, I've got it," the sheriff said backwards.

"Ohh!" Taotie screamed.

Dende screamed as he was just swinging that hammer of his at a wooden pole. Meanwhile a guard had Colin pinned down at the edge of the table as the peacock managed to grab a watermelon slice.

"Care for some… dessert?" He asked as he shoved the fruit into the guard's face.

Then he saw some guards aiming arrows at him so he ducked under the table to avoid the arrows. Then he noticed that Lorelei was underneath the table right next to him.

"Lorelei! Do you believe in... love at first sight?" He asked her.

"Oh… it depends on what you're looking at." Lorelei replied with a sigh.

"Well?" Colin wondered.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Lorelei said as they were about to kiss.

Before they could, a guard stood in front of the table, interrupted their moment. Colin whacked him in the leg with his halberd, causing the guard to yell out in pain and hobble into a punch from Po.

"To be continued." Colin muttered as he got out from under the table to continue fighting. To her annoyance, Soothsayer crawled under the table and was relieved when she found Lorelei.

"My lady, I'm so glad I found you," she said. "Come on. This party's getting rough."

Meanwhile, Dende was still attacking the same pole he was whacking at before, only now the pole was thinner thanks to his attacks. When he was finally done, he panted and was spitting out sawdust. Colin was at the top of the stairs parrying two guards at once, when another was just about to shoot an arrow at him. Peng saw this and threw his daggers at it, pinning him to the wooden door. Then he punched him, knocking him out, and pulled his daggers out and let the guard slide down to the ground. Then he turned around to the viewer.

"Am I good? I'm good." he said.

"Bar the doors! Don't let them get away. Surround the great hall." the sheriff ordered, finally having enough of the fighting.

"Now you're talkin'." Taotie said.

The few guards still standing went over to shut the doors and put a wooden beam over it so Colin and friends were unable to escape through the front door. Then a bunch of guards wearing metal armor came out and began to surround the room. Their armor was clanging so loudly that it was hard for anyone there to even think straight.

"I hope it's worth the noise!" Taotie groaned covering his ears.

As the armored guards got into position, the guards with swords began to surround Po, Dende, Nathan, and Peng. Colin was still at the top of the stairs, thinking about what to do. He then thought of something and grabbed a rope that was hanging near his end of the stairs.

"We've got him. We've got him." Taotie said smiling.

Colin then jumped on top of the hand rail and looked down at the row of armored guards. He then smiled at the viewer and said, "Aha, right rope".

He then took off in flight on the rope as Lorelei, Soothsayer, Taotie and the sheriff watched him. He flew right over and kicked one of the armored guards, knocking out all of the guards with swords and the guards in armor fell down one by one like dominoes. When the last armored guard fell down, Lorelei, Soothsayer, and some animals that had decided to stick around began clapping and cheering. Colin then joined his friends at the entrance.

"Look at this," Taotie said sadly looking at all the mess. "They're gone from royalty to recycling".

"Hey Nathan, would you get the door for us?" asked Colin.

"Yeah, I'll try." The Snow leopard shrugged.

As he went over and tried to lift the wooden beam off the doors, Colin turned his attention back toward Taotie and the sheriff.

"Well, it's been a fantastic party, and we'd love to stay and all that, but, um, I'm afraid we really gotta get going here, so buh-bye." Colin said.

Then he, Po, Dende, and Peng ducked while Nathan hurled the wooden beam at the guards that were still standing, sending them crashing to the ground. They got up and prepared to leave. Colin raised his wing and blew a kiss at Lorelei. She tried to return the favor, but Soothsayer stopped her.

"No, no, no." she said to the peacock. Colin then waved good-bye and left the castle with his friends.

**I told you there was going to be forth wall shattering**

**Well, it looks like Colin and his crew struck first in this little fight. Stay tuned if you wanna see more**

**R&R plz**

**NITRO PSYCHO OUT!**


	8. Colin's Incompetant Army

**What up, peoplezez**

**New chapter, Same craziness**

**Enjoy**

After getting a clear distance between him and Taotie, Colin was seriously thinking he needed a better strategy. The stunt back at Gongmen city had ended too far off from what he had wanted from this. If he seriously wanted to kick Taotie off the throne, he had to plan his next moves carefully.

Colin and his friends were now standing near an outcropping of rocks in the forest outside the Valley of Peace. Surrounding them was a ragtag group of animals that seemed to be well out of place. Even Colin seemed to be a little confused as to why they were there.

"I sent word throughout China that each village should send the toughest creatures they have. These are them." Nathan told Colin.

They didn't look too impressive. The animals were so random that he had a hard time thinking they were going to be their army. The only real exception in this group was Crane, an acquaintance that Colin met while Oogway was training him that had a rather high degree of skill in his craft.

"Hmm, we're in a lot of trouble." Colin said as he got up onto the rock looking at all the creatures. "Good people who have traveled from villages near and far, lend me your ears".

Some of them literally took their ears off and threw them at the peacock. Several of the bounced off his face, making him scrunch his eyes and beak up in disgust.

"That's disgusting," Colin snapped. "Hear me! Men The likes of Taotie and the sheriff must be stopped. Stopped from taxing us into poverty, stopped from taking from us what is rightfully ours." All the creatures muttered in agreement.

"If we stand up to them, all together as one, we can win the day!" Colin proclaimed. Then he did his best Winston Churchill impression, putting one of his wings on his heart. "We shall go on to the end; we shall not flag or fail. We shall fight on the seas and oceans. We shall defend our isle, whatever the cost may be. We shall never surrender. Then they shall say of us, 'Never have so many owed so much to so few'".

The moment he finished, Colin heard several grumbling noises. Looking down he saw that all the animals, including Crane, had started sleeping. He let out a groan of disgust at his pathetic turn of luck.

"That was beautiful. What's going on?" asked Dende.

"They're asleep." Po told him. He then went over to Colin. "Hey, man… tough room. Why don't you let me give it a try?"

"Okay." said Colin.

he stepped aside as Po went over to the end of the rock. He put a pair of glasses on and stood over the crowd.

"Look at yourselves," Po started.

The animals woke up with a start and looked up at the panda. Some of them let out mutters of approval that Colin was no longer talking.

"Go ahead, take a look around", Po said.

The animals, apart from Crane, started turning around, looking in no particular direction. Colin let out a snort of laughter knowing that his original notion that these guys weren't very smart turned out to be correct.

"Oh, people… you've been had!" Po snapped.

"Yeah!" the animals said in response.

"Hoodwinked!"

"Yeah!"

"Bamboozled!

"Yeah!"

"Run amok!"

"Yeah!"

We didn't land on China. Chine landed on us!" Po finished up, then he took off the glasses as the animals were now cheering in approval.

"Very good," Colin said to his friend.

"Got 'em all warmed up for ya, Colin." Po said as they pumped their paw and wing together while Colin went to the end of the rock again.

"Brother Po is right, and I say we fight back!" Colin yelled as the creatures yelled in agreement. "Are you with me, yea or nay?"

"Which one means yes?" asked Crane.

"Yea," Colin said rolling his eyes.

"YEA!" yelled the creatures.

Now, the animals had decided to help save China. The next morning, they were in line ready for their training. Colin is holding a clipboard while his friends hand out their gear. His friends had already gotten their gear beforehand. Po even had a pair of green pants that had dragon insignias sown on them.

"All right everyone, grab your clothes and equipment and proceed to the training sequence." Colin announced.

"All right, gentlemen, grab your feathered caps, jodkins, bopkins, boots, quivers, swords, arrows, and pantyhose." Dende said, surprisingly pointing to everything in the right order.

It had taken a little over an hour, but everyone was now wearing matching green outfits and feathered hats. They were now standing in front of a long row of bulls-eyes. Colin was walking in front of them, a bow and arrow in each of his wings.

"Now, men, the object of this exercise is to hit the target." Colin explained. He then shot the arrow at one of the bulls-eyes, hitting it right in the center. "All right?"

Then the animals tried it out for themselves but they were having trouble getting the arrows in. Even Crane couldn't even reach his arrows. Colin looked on in disapproval wondering how they were gonna help him out.

A young wolf was the first to try to shoot an arrow, but it hit him in the face. Crane was the next to try, but his wing slipped and his bow hit his face. A sheep was next in line to have a go, but he somehow bent the shaft when he pulled the arrow back. A fox was next up to try, but the arrow went backwards and hit Nathan right in the nuts, making him scream. A bunny went up to take his turn, but the bow broke in two. Finally a pig came up last, but he got his arrow stuck in the ground.

Then Colin decided to test their speed. He took the animals to an open field where several dummies had been set up in joust positions. The animals were all on horses carrying staffs, and Peng was in front of them with a horse and staff of his own.

"Now, men, I want you to keep your eye on Peng and do exactly as he does." Peng then let out a little war cry and charged over to a dummy troll, using his staff to knock it over.

"Yeah!" Nathan said.

"Very good. Well done, Peng." Colin said.

"Right!" Dende smiled.

"All right, Peng!" Nathan smiled.

"That's not so hard. We could do that." Crane said.

"Piece of cake." All the others agreed too.

Peng then went over to where Colin was and he gave him a treat for his good work.

"Good boy. Ready, men?" Colin asked. Then he gave the signal. "Charge!"

They then all ran toward the dummies, but they all got knocked over when they reached them. They all groaned when they were on the ground. Colin just grabbed his head in frustration. How was this gonna work?

"Hey, Colin, man, maybe we should take the dummies into battle." Po suggested.

Colin laughed at his friend's remark. Then he began to think that maybe that could work.

**And, as usual, Colin somehow winds up working with incompetents**

**FYI, I've started a poll to see which of my major stories I should finish first. Check it out and vote for which one you want**

**R&R plz**

**NITRO PSYCHO OUT!**


	9. The Catapult and the Rabbi

**What up peoplezez**

**New Chapter, Same craziness**

**Enjoy**

To say that the sheriff was in a foul mood while looking for prince Taotie was a bit of an understatement. Not only did he just find out that Colin managed to get the people on his side like he had promised, but he and a group of them had actually looted one of the few remaining animals that were still loyal to Taotie. He knew his boss wasn't going to be too thrilled about this turn of events, but it was something he had to know.

Eventually, he found prince Taotie relaxing in a tub. Four crocodiles were surrounding him like the Secret Service, but he had no time to even wonder why.

"Your Highness? I must speak with you," he said.

The sheriff then took a reactionary step back as a strange smell from numerous bubbles seemed to be coming from Taotie's tub. Trying to figure out what was causing this, he began smelling.

"What are you smelling?" Taotie gawked. "These aren't my bubbles. They're from the pipes".

It was then that the sheriff finally noticed that the crocodiles were using copper pipes to blow into the tub, giving it the adherence of a Jacuzzi. After a few moments of contemplating this, he shrugged it off for what he had come here to say.

"Prince Taotie, I have terrible news," the sheriff said.

"What?" Taotie asked.

"'Struckin' has 'Coled' again." The fox said backwards.

"What?" Taotie asked not understanding him.

"Ugh… Colin has struck again," Glumshanks corrected himself.

Taotie let out a small audible groan as the news sunk in. This was quite honestly the worst possible news he quite possibly could have received. After mulling it over a bit, he decided he needed peace in quiet for the two of them to think of a plan.

"Ok, I'm going to need privacy, so you guys can blow," Taotie said to the crocs.

However, instead of leaving, they then blew harder into the tub. The sheriff stifled a laugh as these guys were obviously not the smartest guys in the world.

"No, not blow... blow!" Taotie said pointing backwards.

Finally getting the hint, the crocs then left the room. Once it was quiet again, Taotie groaned as he slid down the back of the tub.

"I'm so depressed," Taotie said.

"Prince Taotie, come with me, and I will show you something that will make you very happy," the sheriff said. "Fetch the royal robe! Prince Taotie, stop me if I'm wrong about this, but wasn't your mole...on the other side?"

"I have a mole?" Taotie snapped.

"Uh… never mind," the sheriff said.

Deciding not to look into the matter further, Taotie waited for the sheriff to leave before drying off, putting on his bath robe, and heading toward the front of the castle. When he got there, he saw that the sheriff was sitting in what looked like a large catapult.

"What is it?" Taotie asked.

"It's what we've named a stealth catapult," the sheriff explained. "We've been working on it secretly for months. It can hurl one of these heavy boulders, undetected, over a hundred yards, completely destroying anything it hits".

Taotie was only half listening to what the sheriff said. He had just noticed that the catapult would launch him straight into Minion's room, assuming of course she hadn't left to do something that is.

"Wow! How does it work?" Taotie wondered.

"It's quite simple. You just take one of these heavy rocks, put it here where I'm sitting, and then pull on that lever," the sheriff instructed.

"Oh, you mean like this?" Taotie asked as he pulled the lever, hurling the sheriff into the sky. He was screaming as he was flying.

_At the same time…_

Minion had been dealing with a long and somewhat disappointing day. The potion she was working on for Taotie was going nowhere fast. It was taking so long to make that she thought she'd go mad making it. On top of that, Taotie was yet to fulfill his end of the bargain after the party he set up ended in fiasco. With her options pretty much running thin, she decided to do the one thing she always said she would never do: praying at the edge of her bed.

"Oh, dear Lord, if you see fit to send me my one true love-"

She was interrupted when the sheriff crashed through the roof and landing right in front of her. Minion looked up and said, "Thank you!" The fox then looked on in horror as Minion started to get on top of him.

"Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Here! Let me work my magic on you!" She said as she was on top of him.

The sheriff shrieked in horror then tried to get away. After a few moments of struggling, he finally managed to squirm his way out of her grip

"No, no! I've got a headache. I've got a headache." He said as he got off the bed and ran.

"Where are you going…? Oh, bugger!" Minion sighed. She then turned her attention to the viewer. "I was that close." She said putting two of her fingers close together. "I touched it".

* * *

><p>Near the Valley of Peace a white goose in rabbi apparel was leading a mule that was pulling a wagon full of noodle. Then the goose notices that the mule is staggering from side to side.<p>

"I don't like the way you're walking," the goose said." You've been into the Sacramental Noodles again. You're forshnicket! You greedy mule, you".

Then they have to stop because they see the villagers and Colin standing on a rock.

"Whoa, Morris, whoa," the goose said.

"Halt there, dude. You've just entered the territory of Colin Hood and the Cool Ones," Colin told him.

The goose looked at all of them, funny. In truth he had no idea what was going on. Then he waved his hand in a certain way.

"Faigelehs?" He asked.

The Cool ones groaned in disgust at his response.

"No, no, no, no. We're straight, just cool," Colin confirmed.

"Azoy. And who might you be, with the exceptionally large butt feathers?" the goose asked the peacock.

"I am Colin Neilson." Colin introduced himself.

"Colin Neilson?" the goose gawked. "I've just come from Maid Lorelei, the peacock whose heart you stole, you prince of thieves, you."

Colin wasn't all that amused, primarily because the goose had been in the presence of Taotie and the sheriff. He jumped off the rock and made his way over to the goose.

"I knew her mother and father before they were taken by the plague: Lord and Lady Bagelle," The goose explained. "You know you were meant for each other, you and Maid Lorelei. What a combination! Neilson and Bagelle, you can't miss."

"And who are you supposed to be?" Colin asked.

"I am Rabbi Ping, purveyor of Sacramental Noodles and mohel extraordinaire," The goose introduced himself.

"Hello, rabbi," said the Cool Ones.

"Hello, boyos." Ping said tipping his hat to reveal that his sideburns were just clip ons he had attached out of whim.

"Mohel… I don't think I've ever heard of that profession," Colin said.

"Mohel? He's a very important guy. He makes circumcisions," Ping explained.

"And what, pray tell, is a circumcision?" Peng asked.

"Oh, it's the latest rage. The ladies love it," The goose explained.

"I want one!" Peng said.

"I'll take two," Nathan said.

"Put me down, too. I'm getting one," said Po.

"I'm game. How's it done?" asked Colin.

"It's a snap. I take my little machine." Ping said as he got out what looked like a small guillotine. "I take your little thing, see?" He said as he got out a small carrot. "I put it into this little hole here, and...nip the tip!" He finished as he cut the carrot in half.

The Cool Ones groaned in disgust. Now that they knew what it was, they were having second thoughts as to whether they really wanted it.

"Who's first?" Ping asked.

"I changed my mind," Nathan said as he sheep-herded Peng away.

"I forgot, man, I already got one," said Po.

"Question?" Dende said.

"I gotta work with a much younger crowd," Ping said in disbelief.

"Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you join us and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your counsel, and, uh, perhaps...some of your noodles?" asked Colin.

The Cool Ones laughed at the word 'noodles'. They slowly edged forward, expecting the rabbi would allow it. Ping, however, wasn't that convinced.

"Wisdom and counsel, that's easy," Ping explained. "But these are Sacramental Noodles. They're only used to bless things".

The Cool Ones all agreed in disapproval. They all began walking away slowly, much to the shock of the rabbi.

"Wait a minute!" Ping cried out. "There's things here- there's trees, there's rocks, there's birds, there's squirrels. Come on! We'll bless them all until we get forshnicket! Join me!"

All the Cool Ones cheered for their new ally. They all crowded in front of the cart as Ping positioned himself behind the counter

"Let's hear it for the rabbi!" yelled Colin as the Cool Ones then helped Ping out with the noodles.

**Well this was certainly funny**

**R&R plz**

**NITRO PSYCHO OUT!**


	10. Secret Plannings

**What up peoplezez**

**New chapter, Same craziness**

**Enjoy**

The sheriff had run out of options by the time he was sitting in front of a trio of water buffaloes. By this point, every plan he had thought up nearly had him in the arms of Minion. Left with no other choice, he hoped that they would at least have some sort of plan that wouldn't involve him getting launched toward the witch.

"Good evening, Temutai." said the fox.

"Mmm… Buona sera… Buona sera." Temutai says as he rubs his head.

"Yes. It was, uh, good of you come at such short notice. And all the way from Qidon." the sheriff said.

"Well, it is quite a walk." Temutai said.

"Yes, but you do realize that prince Taotie expressly commanded this to be a secret meeting!" the sheriff hissed. "I mean, who are these men?"

"These are my trusted associates. On my right, Shang. On my left, Tsung." Temutai said.

These are all close allies to Taotie. Tsung got up from his seat and said, "We thank you for inviting us on the day of your daughter's wedding. I hope her first child is a masculine child."

"SHUT UP! We didn't even have our MEETING YET!" Temutai snapped.

"Oh, yeah," said Tsung.

"Oh, yeah," said Temutai. "All right, I understand that you've been bothered by this fruit, Colin Hood. That you want Colin rubbed out, eliminated, maybe even killed."

"Yes. You put it succinctly." said the sheriff.

"Suck WHAT?" Temutai asked not fully understanding.

"Succinctly. It means perfectly." the sheriff explained.

"Oh, yeah, well I knew that." Temutai says as he picks up some peanuts and crushes them.

"Excuse me, Temutai. Your lizard seems limp." the sheriff said noticing the lizard in Temutai's arm.

"At my age, you know, sometimes- Oh, oh, my lizard," Temutai said. "Oh! No. Nah, he's just sleeping. Chow. Chow. Oh, Chow. Chow… I could've been somebody. I could've been a contender. You know, Chow's- Chow's got bad breath."

Then the lizard made a mess on him. "Oh! He got excited, you know. Come over here, Shang." Temutai said as he rubbed the mess on Shang.

The sheriff rubbed his temples in annoyance. The meeting was going far away from what he was intending it to be. The three water buffalo were to easily distracted by what they were doing and therefore were being entirely uncooperative with his problem.

"Now, normally I would be happy to be of service to you, but there is something that weighs very heavily on my heart," Temutai explained. "In the years that we have been friends with you and Taotie, never once have you invited me to your home for coffee and cake or ganool, something, you know".

"A 'guh-what'?" asked the sheriff.

"A ganool. It's a pastry with stuffing. And it's got sprinkles on it. Mmm." Temutai explains.

But it's now hard to understand him. The sheriff, however was less than willing to speak up about this because he had been the victim of one of Temutai's temper tantrums in the past. After a few moments of mulling it over, he decided to just straight up say it

"Excuse me. I don't understand a word you're saying." the sheriff said honestly.

"Well, I just came back from the dentist, and they left in the cotton balls." Temutai said.

After saying this, Temutai immediately took two damp cotton balls out from inside his mouth. Not wanting to waste time looking for a trash can, he handed them over to Tsung.

"I will take these cotton balls from you with my paw and put them in my pocket," said Tsung.

"Yeah, whatever." Temutai said ignoring what he just said.

"You know, your other associate says very little." the sheriff said referring to Shang.

"Well, my other associate says nothing," said Temutai.

"Why is that?" the sheriff wondered.

"Because my enemy cut out his tongue," Temutai explained.

"Good grief! Why?" the sheriff asked.

"Well, 'cause he went like this." Then he blubbered really loudly. "And my enemy didn't like it, so he cut out his tongue. Come over here. Go like this." Temutai says to Shang as he clicked his own tongue. Then he laughed. "You SEE? He can't do it. I love to TEASE him!" Temutai said as he continued to laugh.

"Tell me, Temutai," the sheriff said.

"Yeah, that's me, what?" said the water buffalo.

"What do you intend to do about Colin?" the fox asked.

"Listen to this; I've got an idea," Temutai said. "Tomorrow- Tomorrow you're gonna have your Gongmen fun and games. You'll make the most important event the blade throwing contest. Colin will not be able to resist".

"Why is that?" the sheriff wondered.

"We'll make him an offer he can't refuse," said Tsung.

"I was just about to SAY THAT!" Temutai said as he threw peanuts at Tsung.

"That's brilliant!" The fox exclaimed.

"Thank you." said the water buffalo.

"But-" the sheriff said.

"WHAT?" asked Temutai.

"You do realize that Colin is the finest blade thrower in all the land?" the sheriff said.

"Oh, no," Temutai said. "Don't you understand? Tsung here is good, better, best. Show him your blade throwing medals".

Tsung got up and opened the robe he was wearing. The moment he did that, a lot of medals became easily noticed.

"Tah-dah!" said Temutai.

"Wowee!" the sheriff said, really impressed.

"See? I couldn't have said it better myself," Temutai said. "Now Tsung beats Colin at the Blade throwing contest, and then Shang makes Colin no more."

Shang got up and began opening up his crossbow. The minute he finished, he snarled and yanked the bow back to prove his point. However, the sheriff wasn't entirely convinced.

"No more?" asked the sheriff.

"All right, you want plain English? Colin is gonna be dead. D-E-D... Dead." said Temutai as he toasted the sheriff.

Then all four of the animals laughed as they had a good feeling that their plan was gonna work. Unbeknownst to them, Lorelei pretty much heard every last detail of their plan thanks in no small part to all the shouting Temutai did. She gasped and bolted back inside to wake up Soothsayer. Once inside, she clapped on the lights and went over to the bed where her friend was sleeping.

"Soothsayer? Soothsayer, wake up! There's a foul plot afoot." Lorelei told her as Soothsayer woke up.

"It's not my feet. I just washed them," Soothsayer pointed out.

"No, no, no. Prince Taotie and the sheriff have hired men to kill Colin. We must warn him immediately!" Lorelei said as she ran towards the window but Soothsayer stopped her.

"Wait, Lorelei! If prince Taotie should see us-" Soothsayer warned her.

"You're right. We'll go out the back." Lorelei said.

"Right," Soothsayer agreed.

Lorelei then went out to another window and looked out over the terrace. Sure enough, there were no guards in sight and the stable was conveniently right there.

"Lady," Lorelei called out.

Moments later, a white stallion with a saddle and reins that matched her usual attire trotted under the balcony. Gingerly, Lorelei stepped over the guard rail and positioned herself above the saddle. Under normal circumstances she would have just flown over to where the Valley of Peace was, but that would have drawn attention to herself. Besides, her parents had always said that she shouldn't have to fly to places that were close by.

With a little jerk, Lorelei slid off the guard rail and right on top of the saddle. It took her a few seconds to straighten herself out, and when she did, she got herself in a more comfortable position.

"Soothsayer, I'm going on ahead," Lorelei said. "Catch me up. Quickly Lady."

Lady quickly galloped forward toward the back gate. Once Lorelei and the horse were out of sight, Soothsayer felt safe to have her turn at getting off the balcony.

"Farfelkugal," she called out.

A brown bronco with various bags of junk attached to it trotted forward and positioned itself under the balcony. Smirking, Soothsayer pulled herself on top of the guard rail to jump down, despite the horse neighing the equivalent of 'she's got to be kidding'. Then, when the Soothsayer did jump down, the horse moved to the left, making her slam into the ground with a thud.

"Oof," Soothsayer grunted.

It took her a few moments to dust herself off from the fall. When she finally did, she grabbed the horse's reigns and pulled its head toward her.

"Farfelkugal, if I were you, I would never do that again," she said. "Any questions?"

A snort from the horse was all the answer she needed.

"Good," she said as she got on. "Forward-oof!"

After getting smacked in the face by the back of the horses head, she followed her friend to the outskirts of the Valley of Peace, where Colin was.

**Well, hope you guys like the chapter. I for one especially enjoyed working on Temutai's stuff**

**R&R plz**

**NITRO PSYCHO OUT!**


	11. A Musical Warning

**What up, peoplezez**

**New chapter, Same craziness**

**Enjoy**

Colin was starting to get a little worried about how well his plan was going to work. In the last few days, he and his band of fighters had only attacked small menial loyalists to Taotie, and they were ridiculously easy at best. If he was seriously going to get anywhere with this revolt he was trying to cook up, he needed a better plan.

As he made his way through the area of the forest he and his men were stationed at, Colin passed by a lookout tower. Just as he passed, he saw Dende is standing on a lookout, trying to see if he could see anything. He also seemed to be looking in Colin's direction as if he were some sort of threat.

"Dende, what are you doing up there?" he asked.

"Guessing," Dende replied. "I… guess no one's coming".

"Please come down from there... twit." Colin said as he walked away.

Dende seemed to be slightly miffed about what his friend said at the end. After a few second he immediately got over it as he did have a point.

"Well, I guess there's a ladder around here somewhere," Dende said as he spotted a ladder to get down. "Oh. Here we are. Right."

But he doesn't see that he knocks the ladder over as he went underneath the lookout. He then turns around and wonders where the ladder is.

"Oh, no." He says as he falls to the ground. He brushes himself off and then realizes something. "I can see!" He said happily as he ran right into a tree. "No, I was wrong." Dende says as he started walking away from the lookout.

* * *

><p>After finishing taking a dump, Nathan and Peng were exiting nearby port-a-potties changing into their tights. While Peng seemed to be having an easier time getting his back on, Nathan seemed to be less than lucky.<p>

"Oh man, these are hard to get on." Nathan says as he's straightening his tights. "Let's face it. You gotta be an animal to wear tights. Peng, how are my seams?"

"Perfect," he says to him.

"Every time," Nathan says with a chuckle. They then do a high-five as Po, Dende, and some other Cool Ones join them.

**We're Animals**

**We're Animals in tights**

**We roam around the forests looking for fights**

**We're Animals**

**We're Animals in tights**

**We rob from the rich and give to the poor**

**That's right!**

**We may look like sissies**

**But watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights**

_Then Dende punches Peng, symbolizing what they just said._

**We're Animals**

**We're Animals in tights**

**Always on guard defending the creature's rights**

_Then they all get together and do the "cancan" while singing the song. When they're done they continue to sing the song while the Cool Ones run behind Po, Nathan, Dende, and Peng._

**We're Animals**

**Mighty Animals!**

**We're Animals in tights**

**Yes!**

**We roam around the forests looking for fights**

**We're Animals**

**We're Animals in tights**

**We rob from the rich and give to the poor**

**That's right!**

**We may look like pansies**

**But don't get us wrong or else we'll put out your lights**

_Dende then punches Nathan, again symbolizing what they just said._

**We're Animals**

**We're Animals in tights**

**Tight tights!**

**Always on guard defending the creature's rights**

**When you're in a fix just call for the Animals in tights**

**We're butch!**

Their little posing was interrupted by horses neighing. Turning around, the saw Lorelei coming through the foliage with Soothsayer close behind her. Colin quickly noticed them and ran over.

"Lorelei!" He says. He quickly helps her dismount from the horse pulled her into a tight hug, happy to see her again. Nathan then goes over to Soothsayer.

"Here. Allow me." He says.

"Oh, thank you." Soothsayer said as Nathan takes her in his arms to help her dismount, but he suddenly tips over. Now Soothsayer was on top of Nathan. Several of the Cool Ones were snickering at what was going on. Even Colin and Lorelei seemed to be mildly amused by this.

"You are so sweet. Is there anything I can do for you?" Soothsayer said to him.

"Yeah, you can get off me." he said kind of desperately.

Soothsayer then makes his head thump. Several Cool Ones laughed as they lifted Soothsayer off of him.

"Nathan!" Colin said a little sternly.

"I panicked." The snow leopard said as Peng helped him up.

"Lorelei, what are you doing all the way out here?" Colin asked.

"I have come to warn you," Lorelei said. "Prince Taotie and the sheriff have hired murderers to kill you at the fair tomorrow! You mustn't go!"

"That's easy. I won't." Colin told her.

"Oh, I'm so happy. They were going to try to lure you there by having a blade throwing contest." Lorelei said as they were about to kiss, but Colin backed away.

"A blade throwing contest?" Colin wondered putting his wing to his chin.

"Their thrower is unbeatable," Lorelei said.

"Really?" Colin asked.

"Colin, promise you won't go," Lorelei begged him.

"All right, I promise you won't go," Colin said.

"Thank you." Lorelei said, then she looked confused at what Colin just said.

"Hey, wait a minute, Colin. You said that-" Po said as Colin was kissing Lorelei's wing.

"Cool it," Colin said to his friend.

"Chill," Po said.

"Come, my dear." He said taking her over to a clearing by the water where there was a campfire. "The night is young, and you're so beautiful… B-flat."

**The night is young**

**And you're so beautiful**

**Here among the shadows**

**Beautiful peacock**

**Open your heart**

_We then see Colin and Lorelei's shadows on a sheet as the Cool Ones began to sit down and listen to Colin sing._

**The scene is set**

**The breezes sing of it**

**Can't you get into the swing of it?**

**Peacock**

**When do we start?**

_Colin's friends then pretend to be back-up like a barbershop quartet._

**When the peacock is kissable**

**And the evening is cool**

**Any dream is permissible**

**In the heart of a fool**

_They continue to sing back-up as Colin clutches his stomach, and Lorelei gasps._

**The moon is high**

**And you're so glamorous**

**And if I seem over-amorous**

**Peacock**

_The backup continues as Colin grabs Lorelei and he sings right into her face and it looks like wind is blowing hard in Lorelei's face._

**What can I do?**

**The night is young**

**And I'm in love**

**With**

_The Cool Ones gasp as it looks like Colin's 'happy place' is rising up and sticking out_.

**You**

They applaud and wolf-whistle at the performance. Then Colin pulls down the sheet, and he and Lorelei chuckle in embarrassment as Colin's 'happy place' was just the end of his halberd. The Cool Ones groan as Colin shoves the halberd back inside his robe and takes Lorelei over by a tree.

"Oh, my love, I'm ready for that kiss now." Colin says as he tries to kiss her, but Lorelei stops him.

"But first I must warn you," Lorelei explained. "It could only be a kiss, for I am a virgin and could never… go all the way".

"But-" Colin began to say but Lorelei interrupts him.

"Unless, of course, I was married," Lorelei said. "Or if a peacock pledged his endless love to me."

"Yes-" Colin tried to talk again, but Lorelei interrupted him again.

"Or if I knew that he desperately cared for me, or if he were really cute," Lorelei finished.

"Hey, Lorelei, you're freezing. Are you cold? What are you wearing under that robe?" Colin asked her.

"Practically nothing," she confirmed.

Colin let out a groan of delight at what she said. He then went over to kiss her, but then we hear a large clanging sound. He groaned and began mercifully massaging his junk.

"Oh, except that," Lorelei says. "I forgot to tell you about my chastity belt. It's an Everlast."

"I'll bet." Colin said with a moan.

"Oh, darling, don't despair," Lorelei said. "For it was written on a scroll: 'One day he who is destined for me shall be endowed with the magical key that will bring an end to my virginity'".

"Oh, Lorelei! If only 'twere me." Colin said to her.

"Oh, if it 'twere you 'twould be 'twerrific.'" Lorelei said as she was about to kiss Colin, but Soothsayer stopped them.

"Hey! No ding-ding without the wedding ring," She said.

Colin snapped his fingers at this turn of luck. They were gonna kiss again, but Soothsayer stops them again. Deciding they would not get anywhere with this, they agreed to part ways for now. Lorelei then mounted her horse and began leading it out of the forest.

"Good-bye, my dearest." Colin waved at his love.

She waved back then took off. Soothsayer was right behind her, pausing only to chastise her horse for trying to eat some berries on the way out. Then he said 'good-bye' in nerd, then in French, then in German, then in Italian, then in Japanese.

**Hmm... Colin's in a lot of trouble**

**R&R plz**

**NITRO PSYCHO OUT!**


	12. Contest Reward: an Arrest

**What up peoplezez**

**I kinda forgot to add this a couple chapters ago, but sorry about the crummy Mortal Kombat reference. The problem was that I was trying to come up with good names for Temutai's thugs when he and the sheriff had that meeting, and my brain was having a problem coming up with good ideas.**

**Enjoy**

The 'Annual Gongmen Fair featuring Royal Blade-Throwing Contest' was in full swing by the time the contest started. Many animals were entering the arena and were getting their seats. There had been major rumors that Taotie had invited Colin to participate in this event and, given the recent track record the two had with each other, were worried that something might go down.

Then we see Colin's friends disguised as women. The plan was to have the four of them disguised like this while Colin was disguised for the contest. However the main concern they had was finding costumes that wouldn't make them stick out, particularly Dende because he was blind. Once everything had been in place they entered the fair and prepared for the contest. Yet for some reason Po kept stopping them for random details every five minutes, making it that much harder for them to get in position.

"Hold on, time out, time out, time out." Po says once again.

"What now?" Peng asks him.

"I should have never worn these shoes! They just don't match my purse." Po says to them.

Peng then notices that Dende is wearing his fake boobs vertically.

"Dende, fix your boobs," he tells him.

"What?" Dende wondered.

"You look like a bleeding Picasso." Peng said as Dende notices he's right.

"Oh! Goodness gracious," Dende says as he starts to put his boobs in the right spot.

Annoyed that they were getting too distracted, Nathan practically shoved the others toward their lookout position. Luckily the contest was yet to start so all they could really see was a goose throwing peanuts to the citizens.

"Peanuts! Peanut power here. Hey, poor man's lunch there. Hey, you. Shell game here."

Then they see Taotie and two crocs are blowing a fanfare right into his ears. He moans in obvious pain when they're done. Then one of the crocks puts down the trumpet and says, "The royal blade-throwing contest is about to begin! Throwers, take your places."

The crowd cheers as we see the contestants chattering. Taotie, however, is rather nervous. The sheriff has yet to tell him anything about the plan he had see up with Temutai yet. Needing to know what was going on, he turned to the sheriff to find out.

"Are we...prepared?" he asks him.

"Sire." the sheriff says pointing to a nearby tower.

Looking up, Taotie saw that Shang was in the 'Royal Folio Depository' and he puts a fire arrow on his bow. Then he looks back outside gives them the nod that he was ready.

"Oh, that's good. That's good." Taotie says confident about all this.

"Throwers to the line!" The croc shouts as all the contestants pull out the different colored blades and stepped in front of the bulls-eye.

One of the contestants is a bearded old man with a dirty robe, but it's Colin in disguise. He seemed to have an air of smugness on his face as he notices the goon squad was yet to notice who he was. This gave him and extra bit of confidence as he aimed his blade at the target.

"Ready. Aim. Wait for it. Fire!" The croc shouts.

The creatures all throw their blades at the target but only two managed to hit the target. The crowd cheered as crew removed the stabbed target and replaced it with a new one.

"The two throwers that hit the bulls-eye can stay. The rest of you gentlemen can bugger off." The croc says.

All the contestants leave except for the bearded peacock and Tsung. The sheriff then notices that Colin wasn't in the crowd and quickly figures out what was going on.

"There he is," he hissed to Taotie. "The old man is Neilson."

However, Taotie isn't really sure. The hair of most animals in the kingdom usually turned white or grey when they got old. He had a hard time seeing how an old man who obviously still had some talent left in the tank could possibly be the troublemaker that's been causing him problems.

"Are you sure? He looks like Mark Twain," He says.

The Croc then says, "The old man may go first."

He then throws a blade that hits the bulls-eye dead center. The people in the crowd cheered wildly because of this. Then, to the immense anger of everyone else, the sheriff stood up.

"Well done… Colin Neilson," he said

Lorelei and Soothsayer looked surprised as Colin then takes off his disguise. The crowd then starts whooping then Soothsayer and Lorelei whoop softly. Colin's friends then see that he revealed himself.

"He's crazy. We gotta stop him." Nathan says. They try to go over where Colin is but some gorillas stop them.

"Sorry, ladies. This is the royal entrance. You'll have to go around the other way." One of them says pointing to where they need to go.

Taotie is frustrated that sheriff exposed Colin. He's wanted the death to be some sort of random event that no one saw coming. Now that the sheriff had exposed Colin, it was going to be impossible to find an opening.

"Look what you've done, you idiot! Now he's even more of a hero to the people." he snapped.

"Tsung Patso still has a shot," the sheriff said.

"But he hit the very center of the bulls-eye… schmuck!" Taotie pointed out.

"Wait and watch, sire," the sheriff said.

Tsung then gets ready to throw, and he shoots out a blade that not only hits the center of the bulls-eye but knocked Colin's right off.

"He knocked his blade clear off the target!" a sheep shouts as the crowd cheers.

"Things are looking up, huh?" Taotie said now satisfied.

Soothsayer and Lorelei moan that Colin didn't win. The creatures then pick up Tsung and tell him what a good job he did. Colin looks on in disbelief at what happened. Other animals begin to boo.

"Colin's in trouble. Come on!" Nathan says pushing through the gorillas.

"I lost," Colin muttered. "I lost? Hey wait a minute I'm not supposed to lose. Let me see NITRO's plot-line."

Colin then takes takes out a book that says 'Multiverse Mix-Up: Animals in Tights'. He begins flipping through pages, trying to find the page that had the plot-line for this point in time. Colin's friends catch up to him as animals throw lettuce at them.

"Yo, Colin, time to fly." Po says.

"Go back to the Valley of Peace!" A goose shouts.

"Oh, good, they've opened the salad bar." Dende says noticing all the lettuce.

"Wait! I get another shot!" Colin says looking at the book.

"He gets another shot!" Po says as Nathan hugs the peacock.

Taotie and the sheriff were confused by what they were seeing. They found it hard to believe that not only four women, four extremely ugly women at best, would be surrounding the loser, but that Colin was actually elated that he lost. This completely threw them off their game plan to have him killed.

"Does Colin get another shot?" they heard Lorelei ask.

Taotie and the sheriff's eyes blanch when they heard the question. They then get out their copies of the plot-line and scrounge through them until they find the note NITRO had left saying that Colin got another shot due to being in disguise.

"Yes, he does, he does." They groan simultaneously as they put their books away.

The animals, however, are yet to know this. They are still booing Colin for what they believe to be the most embarrassing lost possible. Then Monkey, another friend of Colin's who was on shore leave from the war with Russia and decided to drop by for the fair, stood up.

"Squires and ladies silence," he said. "Listen: Colin gets another shot."

The creatures then cheer at this latest bit of news.

"Let's give him the chop!" Monkey said, as the creatures start to chop with their arms and chant.

By this point, Taotie was extremely antsy. The thought of the repercussions of him being scrutinized if he killed Colin after he won the contest was making him feel sick to his stomach. If Taotie wanted him dead, he'd have to do it before he got the throw off.

"Quick. Eliminate him before he throws," he says.

The sheriff gives Shang the signal. He shoots at a clear shot Colin but Dende, to everyone's surprise, catches the arrow before it hits him. The group just stares at him, not only shocked at what just happened, but dumbfounded that he did it.

"How did you do that?" Po asked Dende.

"I heard that coming a mile away," Dende confirmed.

"Very good, dude," Colin tells his friend.

"Pardon? Who's talking?" Dende wonders.

"'Patriot Blade?'" Po asks Colin cause that what it says on the blade that Colin is about to throw.

Colin nods at him then gets ready to shoot. But Tsung sneaks up behind him and kicks the back of one of his knees, making Colin throw the blade into the air. Nathan punches him as the blade swoops through the sky. It goes under the crowd making them jump up, then it goes under where Soothsayer, Lorelei, Taotie and the sheriff are, then it goes under another part of the crowd making them jump and it looks like they're doing the wave. The blade makes the sound of squealing brakes before it runs through the back of the bulls-eye, knocking Tsung's blade out in the process.

"Yes!" Lorelei yell happily as she hugs Soothsayer.

Colin's friends and everyone else cheer for him. The sheriff is steamed that his plan failed. With no other options left, he was forced to use the last possible plan he could think of.

"Arrest him!" he ordered.

Gorillas begin to surround Colin, pushing his friends aside. They then got a hold of Colin's wings, preventing him from being able to even have a chance of fighting back.

"Colin is a traitor to the crown! It'll be so much fun to watch you hang." the sheriff said.

Lorelei didn't want Colin to be killed. However, she didn't have much power to overrule the sheriff. In order to keep the love of her life from being killed, she'd have to do the most drastic thing possible.

"Wait," she says.

"What for?" the sheriff snapped.

"If you promise not to kill Colin, I shall do the most disgusting thing that I can think of," Lorelei proclaimed.

"And what's that?" the sheriff sarcastically asked.

"I shall marry you," Lorelei said.

"What?" the sheriff gawked. "You'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me every night? And sometimes right after lunch?"

"Yes… But only my body. You can never have my heart, my mind, or my soul." Lorelei said.

"Oh. Oh yes. I respect that. Mm-hmm," The sheriff said.

Colin could not believe what he was hearing. Lorelei had just promised to marry the sheriff, arguable the most disgusting person in the entire country. There was no way he could ever live that down.

"Lorelei, my life's not worth it!" he hissed. "Just say nay!"

"Ha! Walk this way." The sheriff says as he walks away strutting.

Colin and the gorillas follow, strutting as well. Lorelei is happy that she was able to save Colin.

"Send word to one and all and all and one!" Taotie said. "That's a little redundant, isn't it?"

"What?" the croc asks.

"Shut up!" Taotie says. "Tell everybody that before the day is out, we shall have a wedding...or a hanging. Either way we ought to have a lot of fun, huh?"

The crowd cheers after hearing this. The only ones who aren't cheering about this are Colin's friends, who are wondering how they were going to save their friend.

"Man, we are grossly outnumbered," Po says.

"Yeah, so what can we do?" asked Nathan.

"We gotta get the Cool Ones," Po proclaims.

"The Cool Ones?" Peng asked. "They're not ready to fight".

"Man, we are choice less," Po said. "And Dende, what's the fastest way to reach the Cool ones?"

"Why don't we rhino them!" Dende suggests.

"Rhino 'em." Po says.

"Rhino 'em." Peng says.

"Rhino 'em." Nathan says.

They know that's the best way. Later on, they meet up with a grey rhino in light green garments who served as an instant message carrier in China

"Now, Choi, take this message to the Cool Ones as fast as you can," Peng said. "Pay attention. Have you got it?"

"Yes, extremely!" Choi says.

"Good." Peng said says.

Then Choi takes off running to deliver the message.

"Come on, y'all. Let's get out of this lady's clothing and get into our tights." Po says to them as they all take off their disguises, now getting the backup they needed to go rescue Colin.

**Well, this certainly went south for Colin**

**Again sorry about the crummy Mortal Kombat reference**

**R&R plz**

**NITRO PSYCHO OUT!**


	13. A Revolting Wedding

**What up peoplezez**

**New chapter, Same craziness**

**Enjoy**

Colin is looking sad because his legs are all tied up together, and his wings are tied together so he can't fly away. We see a short warthog with a blue-green robe messing with one of the nooses. His name is Bian Zao and he's the hangman.

"Ok, are you about a 16, 16 1/2, or what?" He asks Colin.

He then grabs the noose and starts muttering to himself as he's putting it around Colin's neck, then he tightens it.

"It's a little tight." Colin said as he groaned a little.

"Well, that's supposed to be the idea." Bian Zao says. "Would you care for a blindfold or something?" He asks. Colin shakes his head. "No… How about half a one?" He asks raising his eye patch, to which Colin shook his head again. "A drink?" He asks then he holds up a bottle to Colin.

We hear an organ playing as we see a robed pig with a staff coming down the aisle with the sheriff behind him. He was Abbot and he was presiding over the wedding. As he's comes down, his sword hits the camera.

"Sorry." He says as Colin sighs.

"Good morrow, Abbot," says a sheep.

"Good morrow." He answers.

"Welcome, Abbot." says a female goose.

"Good morrow." He answers.

"Hello, Abbot." says another goose.

"Good morrow." He answers

"Hey, Abbot!" says a wolf that sounded like Lou Costello.

"I hate that guy." The Abbot growls under his breath. As the Abbot and the sheriff reach the altar, the 'Wedding March' plays as Taotie comes out with Lorelei. Everyone is in awe on how beautiful Lorelei is.

"Present swords!" says a gorilla as some crocs get their swords out as Taotie walks down with Lorelei.

Colin looks sadly as the one he loves is about to marry another. When they get near the altar, Taotie takes out a remote and pushes a button. We hear a chirp as the gate closes. Soothsayer is right behind them. Taotie gives Lorelei to the sheriff when she sees Colin and gasps.

"What's going on?" She asked.

"Just in case you change your mind, my dear," the sheriff says grabbing Lorelei's wing.

"I will conduct the opening prayer in the new Latin," Abbot says as he pats his book. He opens it and then says, "Oh, ord-lay, iveus-gay our-yay essings-blay. Amen-ay."

"Amen-ay." Everyone including the sheriff repeats it.

"We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of Junjie, the Sheriff of-" Abbot begins.

He then cuts himself off as he tries to keep himself from laughing. He isn't the only one however as the crowd begins to snicker.

"Junjie? Your name's Junjie?" asks the Abbot.

The crowd then begins to laugh. Even Taotie was having a hard time trying to keep himself from laughing. This seemed to effectively prolong the wedding as Junjie is getting annoyed.

"Shut up, shut up! Continue with the service!" He snapped as Taotie snorted.

"Okay... Junjie," the Abbot said.

The crowd then laughs uproariously as Junjie gets angered then he grabs Lorelei's wing again after he let go of it.

After the laughing stops, the Abbot continues, "Do you...Sheriff of the Valley of Peace, take maid Lorelei of Bagelle to be your lawful wedded wife, to love and to hold in sickness and in health till death to you part?"

"Yes! I do! Get on with it!" Junjie snapped wanting to get it over with.

"And do you, Lorelei, vow to do all the stuff I just said to him?" The Abbot asks her.

"Say I do, or Colin dies." Junjie tells her as Bian Zao begins to tug at the rope holding Colin by the neck.

Lorelei stutters as she wonders what to do. "I...I..."

When this is happening, Po managed to get over to a spot where he would have a clear shot at the noose. He then shoots an arrow and it cuts the rope holding Colin. Luckily, Lorelei sees the rope has been cut.

"I do...NOT!" She said as everyone gasps.

While everyone was shocked about what was going on, Colin took the time to free himself from his restraints. Junjie then turns around and sees Colin's friends making their way toward Po.

Who's the panda? Who's the panda?" Po asks as he extends his arms getting high fives from Peng and Dende.

"Go!" Nathan tells the panda.

"Arrest them! Seize them! Stop them!" Junjie yells.

"Hurt them! Hurt them!" Taotie screams desperately.

"Look! The Cool Ones are coming!" yells a sheep as the crowd screams and runs for cover.

Taotie's guards then get out their swords as the rest of the Cool Ones show up and start to fight them. However, it was apparent that the guards haven't even bothered to train since the last encounter and were soundly being defeated. Colin then takes off his noose and gives it to Bian Zao.

"I believe this belongs to you, dude," He says.

"Well, you know what they say: no noose is good noose." Bian Zao says as he walked away from the fight.

As the Cool Ones still fight off Taotie's guards, Po joins Colin and they shake wing and paw.

"Nice shooting, Po." Colin tells his friend.

"Well, to tell you the truth, I was aiming for the hangman." Po said as Dende, Peng, and Nathan joined them.

Colin glared at Po for making it seem like he wasn't trying to help him. He was just about to say something when they noticed gorillas headed towards them.

"Uh-oh, fellas. We got company," Po said.

"On the count of jump." Colin says as his friends duck. "Wait for it."

"Charge!" The gorillas say as they head for them.

"Jump." Colin says then they all grab the gallows making the gorillas crash and burn.

After they get off, they turn around and laugh because the gorillas are balancing on their swords. They jump and do a group high five, but Dende just dives and hits the ground. Nathan then helps him up. The Cool Ones continue the battle as Junjie then puts his sword away.

"I shall have you, married or no." He says

Junjie then trips Lorelei and covers her in a red rug. He then carries her through a door. No one notices this as Colin and his friends fight off the gorillas. Then a wolf, one of the Cool Ones, punches a croc's lights out. He then strikes a pose, punching a gorilla behind him.

A girl pig named Mi-Lei is fighting a gorilla off by using its ears to steer it around randomly. As the fight is coming to a close, Po then pats Colin's shoulder as he says, "the sheriff. He got your girl, man."

Colin then sees it too as Lorelei is screaming as Junjie takes her to one of the higher rooms in the tower.

"He's takin' her to the tower. He's gonna deflower her in the tower. Ooh." Po said with disgust.

Colin knew he had to save her. Without bothering to see how the fight was going, he bolted into the tower after them.

**Hah, some wedding that turned out to be**

**R&R plz**

**NITRO PSYCHO OUT!**


	14. the Duel

**What up, peoplezez**

**New chapter, Same craziness**

**Enjoy**

Junjie was absolutely furious when he locked the door behind him. When Lorelei had promised to marry him in exchange for Colin's safety, he never counted on his friends going to interfere. Now that there was no chance that Lorelei would ever willingly agree to marry him again, he was forced to take a more underhanded approach to get her to marry him.

"I'm sorry we don't have enough time for romance, my dear," he said.

He then runs and jumps on the bed where Lorelei is and gets on top of her. Lorelei put up a brief struggle to shake him off, but it didn't seem to do anything.

"Consider this foreplay," he says.

He then begins to rip off Lorelei's wedding dress in order to have his way with her. However, this proves to be futile as he then sees the one thing that made it all worse.

"A chastity belt!" he gawked. "Ooh, that's going to chafe my Willy. I'll be back".

He then jumps off the bed and heads to a nearby closet. Lorelei just stares at him, silently groaning under the knowledge that she would not like whatever he had planned.

The battle outside the caste was winding down. Not only had most of the guards been taken out, but Taotie had been capture in some vain attempt to slip away during the confusion. With not much left to do, Colin's friends just stared at the castle, wondering what sort of shenanigans Junjie was going to try on Lorelei and worried if Colin was going to reach them in time.

"I hope she's still wearin' her iron underwear." Peng says outside.

"Yeah." Nathan says agreeing with him.

Then they hear what sounds like a jackhammer firing up in the room Junjie in Lorelei were in. The group looked at each other and hoped that Colin would reach her soon.

Junjie had been using a jackhammer to try to get the chastity belt off of Lorelei for a while. However, the material that made it seemed to be really thick because he couldn't break through. On top of that, it seemed to make Lorelei even testier at him.

"No matter what you do, I shall never submi-I-I-it!" Lorelei snaps as she is feeling the effects of the jackhammer as Junjie continues to pound away.

Suddenly, the door that Junjie locked get busted open. Colin, slightly, out of breath but nonetheless pleased with himself, appeared from the other side.

"Aha!" he says.

"Coli-i-in!" Lorelei says happy to see him.

Colin then shuts the door then pulled out a slightly wavy sword out of his robe to use. Junjie, slightly taken aback from what was going on, powered down the jackhammer.

"Prepare for the fight scene," Colin said.

"Forgive the interruption, my darling." Junjie says bringing out his own sword. "I'll dispatch your love and then come back and… finish the job".

Junjie then got off the bed and went over to Colin. He yelled as he tried to put his sword through Colin but he dodged.

"En garde." said the fox.

"Thanks for the warning." Colin said.

Junjie charged at Colin and they began their sword fight. Colin seemed to be on the defensive as Junjie tried to swipe the peacock down. This seemed to go on for a while until Junjie hits a stone pole, making a spark of electricity come out.

"Shocking!" Colin joked.

Junjie then yelled as they fought again. Furious over the joke, Junjie forced Colin to back up into a corner. However, this did nothing to dampen his mood.

"Parry, parry, thrust, thrust… good!" Colin says as Junjie did just those moves with his sword.

Lorelei sighs because Colin is doing so well. The fight continues as Colin begins to go on the offensive. After a few parries, Colin sweeps his tail feathers under Junjie which he barely jumps over. However, Junjie was unable to stick the landing and accidentally backs up into a fireplace, burning his posterior and making him yelp.

As he backs away from the fireplace, they just go at each other with their swords. They then move into a position where their shadows are only seen still fighting behind a pillar. Then they put their swords aside as they make shadow puppets. Junjie does a duck while Colin does a dog. They quack and bark as the puppets get into a scuffle. Then Colin makes a whimpering sound as Lorelei gasps.

The fight continues as they still go at it. It seems like Colin is making Junjie back up. Colin goes for him but hits another stone pole making another spark of electricity come out. Then Colin tries again but accidentally gets NITRO's meat lover pizza in his sword.

"Hey!" NITRO yells.

"Oh, sorry." Colin says as he hands out his sword, giving the pizza back.

They continue to go evenly until their swords make them go face to face. They try to get the best of each other when Junjie pull out a dagger and tries to stab Colin. He dodges but the dagger catches Colin's necklace. Colin grabs his hand trying to confiscate the dagger but they both let go. Colin's necklace gets cut off and goes flying through the air.

When it hits the roof, it breaks open revealing a key with a heart shape at the end. The key then falls landing right inside the lock on Lorelei's chastity belt. A perfect fit!

"It is the key to the greatest treasure in all of China!" Colin happily says.

"Oh! Colin, this means you've always been my one true love, because it's just the right size." Lorelei says happily.

"It's not the size that counts! It's how you use it!" Junjie yells as he tries to hit Colin.

"Colin!" Lorelei warns him as Colin ducks.

They then clash swords twice before Colin kicks Junjie square in the jaw, knocking him out temporarily.

"Thank you, my friend." Colin tells his sword as he kisses it.

Lorelei then gasps as Junjie is coming right behind Colin with his dagger. Colin then put his sword right behind him and without notice, Junjie walks right into it. Lorelei gags as Junjie groans. Wondering why the sword was still there, Colin turns around and sees that the end of the sword on Junjie's stomach.

Oh, it's not so bad." He says.

He then turns and we see that the sword went right through him. His face wilts on the realization of what was going on.

"I was wrong." Junjie says as he falls backwards.

A scream was then heard from the doorway. Minion had come in the room and was freaking out about the fact that the one she loves has a sword through him. She quickly ran over to him as Lorelei gets off the bed and joins Colin as they look at them.

"Oh, my dear beloved Sheriff of the Valley of Peace!" she wailed. "You've been run through. How do you feel?"

"I'm dying, you fool!" Junjie snapped.

"You don't have to die." Minion says.

"I don't?" The fox asks.

"No... I've got this magic pill that could save your life." Minion says getting out what looks like a Lifesaver mint. "And I'll give it to you if you promise to marry me and be mine forever".

Junjie then looks at Colin and Lorelei as they give convincing faces. He then groaned internally over the fact that there was no choice in the matter.

"Oh, all right. Yes, yes." he says.

Minion quickly gave him the pill and begins to pull out the sword. In a few moments the sword came out and Junjie was completely unharmed.

"How do you feel now?" Minion asks him.

"Good, good... surprisingly good… and yet, somehow incredibly depressed." Junjie says.

Minion smiles and laughs at Junjie's predicament. She then grabs Junjie's ankles and drags him out of the room. He groans as she's doing it.

"I always wanted to marry a cop." Minion says to Colin and Lorelei as she leaves with him.

"Wait, wait! I've changed my mind!" Junjie yells as he's still being dragged away.

Colin and Lorelei now turn to each other.

"I love you, Colin Neilson." Lorelei says to him.

"And I you, Lorelei of Bagelle." Colin says to her.

"Oh!" Lorelei says as Colin then picks her up in his wings. He gives her a ride to the bed, then he gets on the bed with her.

"Oh, my darling. At last." Colin says to her.

"Yes, yes. Yes, yes! Yes!" Lorelei says as he guides Colin's wing to the key as he begins to turn it.

"No!"

Looking toward the door, they saw the Soothsayer standing there completely out of breath. Colin groans thinking 'What is it now?' as she shuffled over toward them.

"Wait, wait! You're not married yet! Before you do it, you must go through it. Or else I blew it." Soothsayer says panting.

Colin and Lorelei look at each other and shrug thinking that Soothsayer is right. If it meant shutting her up about the situation, it would be best if they were married.

**Horray! Junjie's screwed and Colin and Lorelei are going to get married. It couldn't get any better**

**R&R, plz**

**NITRO PSYCHO OUT!**


	15. The End

**What up peoplezez**

**Well this is the last chapter so I hope you like it**

**Enjoy**

After finding a replacement robe for the one the sheriff had torn, Colin and Lorelei went up to an altar with the Cool Ones and the other inhabitants of Gongmen City coming up behind them. However, the priest seemed to have run off in all the excitement. No one could see a suitable replacement to do the marriage until Colin noticed a tent that said, 'Ping's Circumcisions. Special Offer-Half Off' and immediately recognized who was probably in there.

"Hey, Rabbi!" Colin called out.

There was a small scampering as movement was heard from inside the tent. After a few seconds, the goose peaked his head out from the tent.

"Who calls?" He asked.

"It is I, Colin," said the peacock. "We wish to get married, in a hurry!"

"Married in a hurry?" Ping gawked. "That's wonderful. Wait! I'm on my last customer. I'll be right out".

He immediately went back in the tent without saying another word. Seconds later, an audible chopping sound was heard inside followed by somebody screaming. Ping then came out of the tent looking slightly miffed.

"Put a little ice on it," Ping said. "It'll be fine."

"Ay-yi-yi!" said the person who screamed.

Ping didn't seem at all interested in the person after that. He was all smiles as he went over to the altar to preside over the wedding.

"Married in a hurry, married in a hurry!" he said. "Please invite me to the _bris._ Now are you ready? Colin, do you?"

"I do." Colin replied.

"Lorelei, do you?" He asked.

"I do." She replied.

"I now pronounce you peacock and-"

"I object." said a familiar voice.

"Who asked?" Ping snapped.

"It's Emperor Chao, back from the Crusades!" Peng said as everyone cheered.

A lizard with a blood red robe, aqua green pants, and a sheathed sword was walking toward them. Everyone immediately recognized him as Emperor Chao, and by the look on his face, he didn't appear to be in a good mood.

"Boy, now I'm in trouble," Taotie said with regret.

Without pausing to talk to anyone, Emperor Chao went over to Taotie. He immediately took off his helmet and just dropped it on the ground.

"You are no longer worthy to wear this sacred symbol of authority!" Emperor Chao snapped as he took the crown off Taotie's head and put it on his own head.

"Oh, please have mercy on me, Chao," Taotie pleaded. "It wasn't my fault. I got some really bad advice from the sheriff."

Then all the Cool Ones coughed in unison, "Liar, liar."

"Taotie, you have surrounded your given name with a foul stench," Chao said. "From this day forth, all the toilets in this kingdom shall be known as 'Taotie's'"

"No!" Taotie screamed.

"Take him away!" Emperor Chao said as two of the Cool ones seized him.

"No. Wait, wait." Taotie says.

"Put him in Shanghai tower," Chao said. "Make him part of the tour."

This got an uproar of laughter as Taotie just groans as he's being taken away. Once the warthog was out of site, Chao turned his attention to Colin.

"Colin, the news of your great deeds has reached me even in the Moscow," he said. "The people of this country owe you and your friends a great debt of gratitude. Henceforth, all of the master's rights and lands shall be returned, and you shall rule over the Valley of Peace from this day forward".

Everyone around them cheered once again. Emperor Chao then took out his sword. "Kneel, Colin Neilson".

Colin did as his emperor said and kneeled down on one knee. Then Emperor Chao gently tapped both of Colin's shoulders with the flat end of the blade.

"And arise, _Sir _Colin Neilson," Chao proclaimed.

The crowd cheered. Colin then got up.

"Thank you, your Excellency." He said.

"Excuse me, Mr. Emperor," Ping interrupted. "Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Lorelei?"

"I have no objections, but I've not yet kissed the bride." Chao said as he got the sword back out. "It is a custom and my royal right. Here, hold this, Father."

"Rabbi," The goose corrected him.

"Whatever." Chao said.

With a light laugh, he took Lorelei's wing. Then he laid Lorelei on the altar as he kissed her. Ping looked at the scene for a few moments before he turned his attention to the viewer.

"It's good to be the emperor," he mused.

After a few moments, Chao was done kissing Lorelei. He let her walk back to Colin before he turned to Ping.

"Now you may marry them," he said.

"Thank you, Emperor Chao," Ping said. "Here is your knife".

"Sword," Chao corrected him.

"Whatever," Ping said. "Okay? Where did we leave off? Oh, that's right. We're up to the best part. Do you, Lorelei?"

"I do," She replied.

"Do you, Colin?" Ping asked.

"I do," the peacock replied.

"I now pronounce you peacock and..." Ping then looked at Emperor Chao who winked at him. "Mate," he finished.

Everyone cheered as the two peacocks kissed. Soothsayer was so happy she was crying.

"We're going to have to remodel the palace to make room for all the babies."

Everyone chuckled at what she said. As Colin and Lorelei finished kissing, Colin pulled out the sword he had used in the fight against Junjie.

"For my first order of business, I wish to appoint a new Sheriff of the Valley of Peace," he said. "My friend, Po."

"All right!" Po said coming up to the stage.

Without missing a beat, Po immediately took the sword and began inspecting it. However, hardly any of the others seemed to share the same enthusiasm for Colin's choice of sheriff.

"A panda for a sheriff?" The crowd asked.

"He's a panda?" Dende asked.

"And why not?" Po snapped. "It worked in the movies".

"That's true." Dende said as the crowd began to back off.

Once everything had been sorted out, Colin and Lorelei mounted a nearby horse and rode off into the woods as everyone says good-bye to them. A 'Just Married' sign and some cans are tied to its tail as they road off toward the Valley of Peace.

**The End**

* * *

><p>We then hear rap music again and Po is singing.<p>

**So that's the story**

** and it worked out good**

****Emperor Chao's on the throne****

**** and Colin's back in the hood****

****So let us bid our friends****

**** a fond adieu****

****And hope we meet again ****

****in MM II****

**I said hey**

**Hey**

**I said hey**

**Hey**

**I said hey**

**Hey, nonny, nonny, hey, nonny, nonny, nonny**

**Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny**

**Here we go**

* * *

><p><strong>Master Chao<strong>

"Rise, Sir Colin Neilson." He says.

**Lord Temutai**

"Yeah, _Buona sera. Buona sera." _He says.

**Random Pig**

"Hey Abbot!" yells the Lou Costello wolf.

"I hate that guy." he says under his breath.

**Bian Zou**

"Ok, are you about a 16, 16 1/2, or what?"He asks.

**Mr. Ping**

_"Faigelehs?" _He asks.

* * *

><p>Once everything had been restored, Colin took Lorelei to their bedroom inside the Jade Palace. He carries her in his arms over to the bed.<p>

"Welcome home, Mrs. Neilson." He says to her.

"Mrs. Neilson... oh, I'm so happy." Lorelei says as Colin then puts her down.

"Well Lorelei, shall I...turn the key?" Colin asks his new mate.

"Oh, yes, darling! But please...be gentle." She says to him as she reveals her chastity belt.

They kiss as Colin proceeds to turn the key. However, they seemed to have run into a problem.

"Um, Lorelei," Colin says.

"What?" Lorelei asks.

"You're not going to believe this," he says.

"What?" She asks.

"It won't open," He proclaims.

"What!" Lorelei snaps.

"Wait a minute, I have an idea," Colin said. "Call the Lockmaster!"

"Call the Lockmaster!" says one creature.

"Call the Lockmaster!" says a second creature.

"Call the Lockmaster!" says a third creature.

Now the camera is drifting far away from the Valley of Peace as we hear a song.

**Where is the one**** **that I love most of all****

**When will I hear him call ****Lorelei, Lorelei**

**He is the one ** **who can make my life full**

**Joyful forevermore**

**_Hey_**

**Ooh**

**_Where is the peacock _** **_That I'm longing to see  
><em>**

**_Where can she be _** **_My sweet _****Lorelei, Lorelei**

**_Oh, when will I _** **_hold you here in my wings_**

**_knowing you are my love?_**

**I've waited so patiently ** **for a true love**

**When will he come for me**

**Where is he where is he**

**_In all my dreams _** **_There's a vision I see _**

**_Your wing in mine _** **_My dear _****_Lorelei, _Lorelei**

**_There's no tomorrow _** **_without you, my love_**

**_Oh, you are my reason to be _**

**_Oh_**

**Hey**

**_Hey_**

**_My heart has made a vow _** **_It's just for you_**

**_You are my one true love_ ** **_only you only you_**

**Where is the peacock ** **Who carries the key **

**_They say it's me _** **_My dear _****_Lorelei, _Lorelei**

**I cannot wait ** **Till he sets my heart free**

**Oh, when will I know him**

**_Oh, when will I see her_**

**When will I hear him**** **say****

****_Lorelei, my love_****

* * *

><p><strong>Finally, it's totally done. This was certainly an interesting story to work on to say the least.<strong>

**R&R, plz**

**NITRO PSYCHO OUT!**


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